Ram Jaane

 

 Shah Rukh Khan may be the King of Romance, but he's played plenty of baddies over the years, including his fair share of brutal but charming gangsters.  Ram Jaane (1995) is an early example of Khan-as-gangster, and it's remarkable just how much it feels like a commentary on Khan's role in the Don franchise, despite being made more than a decade earlier.

The movie starts with an orphan nicknamed "Footpath" living on the street.  Footpath is even more orphaned than his best friend and fellow orphan Murli; Murli has a name and a shirt, while Footpath just has a nice hat.  The boy asks the village priest (Arun Ali) when he will finally be given a name, and the old man sadly replies "Ram Jaane" - God only knows, in other words.  The kid knows a good name when he hears it.

Murli and the newly christened Ram are friends with neighborhood girl Bela, and by friends I mean that they are both deeply smitten with her. She goes to school, but the boys spend their time committing minor crimes, then graduate to stealing from a train.  They're quickly spotted, though, and while running away Murli falls on the tracks.  Ram saves him, but that slows him down enough that he's caught by the brutal policeman Chewte (Puneet Issar), who is not shy about beating children.  

Ram is sent to reform school, but escapes along the way and makes his way back to Murli, who is now wearing a school uniform.  Murli explains that the priest has given him a chance to go straight, while Bela has been sent away to a hostel to study and become a fine lady who will marry a rich man.  All Ram Jaane can focus on is "Bela will marry a rich man," so he goes to work for the gangster Sameer Sanavla (Tinnu Anand).

Years pass.  Ram is now played by Shah Rukh Khan, and he's become Sanavla's top enforcer, though he still doesn't seem to own a shirt.  He is very good at his job, killing the henchmen of rival gang lord Mirchi (Amritpal) with style and an inordinate number of puns.  there's a problem, though; fellow gangster Pannu (Pankaj Kapur) is upset about being overshadowed by Ram, and possibly also about being nicknamed "Technicolor".  Pannu strikes a deal with Mirchi, arranging for an ambush at the end of Ram's Batman-themed musical number.  Ram manages to kill all of the attacking gangsters as well as Mirchi, but just as the last man falls, Inspector Chewte arrives and shoots Sanalva.  Ram attempts to kill Chewte, but he's overwhelmed by a large number of policemen, arrested, and sent to prison for four years.  

When he gets out Ram is placed in the custody of Murli (Vivek Mushran), who now runs an unlicensed orphanage.  Bela (Juhi Chawla) is a frequent visitor, and has not married a rich man.  She is also clearly in love with Murli, though Ram sees what he wants to see.

When Ram was sent to prison, Pannu promised him money and a share of the business when he got out.  Ram is ready to collect, but Pannu doesn't want to pay, and he is now in business with Bhau (Gulshan Grover) and thinks he'll be safe.  He is not safe.  Ram forces his way into he business by stealing bank records Pannu was responsible for keeping, and manages to cheerfully survive all of Bhau and Pannu's attempts to kill him.  

Meanwhile, Murli wants to save his friend's soul, but he's also worried about how much the boys at the orphanage look up to Ram.  He should be worried, since Ram has started using some of the boys to assist in his crimes.  And Bela just wants Murli to admit his feelings.

Things come to a head when corrupt businessman Baweja (G.P. Singh) hires Bhau to clear out the land the orphanage sits on, and Ram solves the problem by assassinating Baweja.  Everybody knows that Ram is responsible, so Chewte "investigates" by going to the orphanage and threatening childre.  Murli intervenes, and the situation escalates further when the boys start throwing things at the police.  Chewte retailates by shooting a fourteen year old in the head, then walks away.  Murli blames Ram, and Ram leaves, though he does stop long enough to beg Bela to go with him.And that's when Murli comes up with his worst idea ever: he asks, then begs, then emotionally blackmails Bela into agreeing to date Ram, hoping that that will be enough to reform him.  Unfortunately, while he loves Bela, Ram is still an awful person, and it does not solve the problem that he's too damned cool to be around impressionable youth.

Despite the similar career and general bravado, Ram Jaane is a very different character than Don.  Don is smooth, stylish, and always in control, while Ram is a bundle of anger who lives by instinct.  Don is always five steps ahead of the opposition, while Ram is one, maybe two steps ahead and makes up the difference with charm and improvisation.  

However, both characters leverage Khan's effortless charisma, and in fact the central problem in Ram Jaane is that Ram is too damned cool.  That's because this is actually a surprisingly faithful remake of the 1938 movie Angels With Dirty Faces, with Khan in the Jimmy Cagney role.  There's an added focus on the love triangle, but I am never going to say no to more Juhi Chawla.

Bhooth Bangla

 

 There have been more vampires than usual in Bollywood lately, but Bhooth Bangla (2026) is not a vampire movie.  Sure, the villainous Vadhusur skulks in darkness, commands a literal army of bats, owns a castle that the protagonists inherit, and turns one of the comic relief characters into a knockoff Renfield, but he draws the line at drinking blood. Not a vampire, he just stole Orlok's look.

Meanwhile, Arjun (Akshay Kumar) has a problem.  His much younger sister Meera (Mithala Palkar) is engaged to the bland but handsome Rahul (Perin Malde), but Rahul's family astrologer keeps making more and more demands for the ceremony.  Meera has already had to marry a tree, and now Arjun is having trouble finding a wedding venue that will pass astrological muster.

And then a lawyer (Alexx O'Nell) shows up with some good news: Arjun and Meera's grandfather, Dushant Acharya (Rajesh Sharma) is dead!  The siblings didn't know that they had a grandfather, but he has died and left Meera a fortune and a palace in northern India.  The money's nice, but a palace is a wedding venue that they don't have to pay for, so Arjun leaves their London home and flies to India to check the place out.

When Arjun arrives he meets the palace caretaker, Shantaram (Asrani), who explains that the palace is haunted and cursed, complete with the requisite mysterious locked room that must never be opened under any circumstances.  In fact the entire village of Mangalpur is cursed, as the demon Vadhusur won't permit any brides in the area; he carries away newlywed women and kills any other members of the wedding party he can catch.  (Vadhusur has a complicated backstory to explain his actions; the short version is that he's half god, half demon, cast into darkness because of his mixed heritage, and his war against the gods ended when a divine nymph with lightning powers married him in order to get close enough to stab him.  vadhusur needs to sacrifice thirteen brides to bring him back to full life, and they have collected twelve so far.)

 Arjun doesn't really believe in the curse and it's a free venue, so the wedding is on, and wedding planner Jagdish (Paresh Rawal) arrives to get the palace into shape, bringing a small group of employees including his own nephew Balli (Rajpal Yadav.)  And then mildly spooky stuff starts to happen, but the first half of the film is largely devoted to the comedy part of horror comedy, and far too many of the gags involve Arjun hitting Balli or Jagdish repeatedly burning his backside in a series of improbable accidents.  

Probably the most important thing that happens in this part of the film is that Arjun is electrocuted in another improbable  accident and revived by Priya (Wamiqa Gabbi), a writer who happened to be passing by while researching local legends.  Except that Priya is actually trying to find her missing twin sister Chitra, who vanished on the way to her wedding.  Arjun and Priya hit it off, and she promises to return in time for the wedding.  And the next day he spots Priya, dressed in a sari, and she seems surprised that he can see her.  The flirting intensifies.

The haunting also intensifies, and even Arjun has to admit that something's wrong, especially when a friendly monk who was visiting to check the palace for soirits is killed in by flying debris during a sudden storm. Arjun finally manages ton get in touch with his father  Vasudev (Jisshu Sengupta), who tells him all about the curse.  Arjun tries to cancel the wedding, but Meera arrives, accompanied by Rahul's family.  Rather than explain things to his sister, Arjun decides that the wedding is back on, leading to further shenanigans as he tries to keep his sister's wedding on track while protecting everyone from the ghost.  

 There are some obvious similarities to the Bhool Bhulaiyaa series, including the haunted palace, the forbidden room, and most of the cast.  There are some significant differences, though; the plot is drawn more from old Ramsay Brothers movies than the pure ghost stories you see in the Bhools Bhulaiyaa, and the balance of horror and comedy is different, with incredibly broad physical comedy in the first half followed by some genuinely effective action scenes and real scary moments in the second half.  I kind of get why; the supporting cast are veteran comedians and they are given a chance to trot out some of their classic material, but I just don't find hitting Rajpal Yadav very funny, and it makes Arjun come across as really unlikable.  

The movie picks up considerably when it stops being a comedy, and the scene of Arjun menaced by Vadhusur, with light as his only weapon, is genuinely well done.  And while the plot is very predictable, it's also well crafted and holds together well.  For me movie's real flaw is that Tabu is really underused; she makes a cameo appearance in an extended flashback, and she is always wonderful.  I would have liked more.

 

 

Stupid Vows, the Motion Picture

 

 Legendary Bollywood director Yash Chopra directed twenty three films, including such classics as Chandni, Darr, and Veer Zaara.  Jab Tak Hai Jaan (2012) was his last film, and it's very Yash Chopra, a grand sweeping tale of love with huge emotions, great performances, and a plot that doesn't quite make sense if you think about it for too long.

Major Samar Anand (Shah Rukh Khan) is "The Man Who Cannot Die," the superstar of the Indian Army's bomb disposal unit.  he doesn't act like a rock star, though - he's surly and gruff, but very considerate of his subordinates.  He also refuses to wear any sort of bomb disposal suit, or any safety gear at all, almost as if he's actively daring God to kill him.  Samar obviously has a backstory,m and after he rescues plucky aspiring filmmaker Akira Rai (Anushka Sharma) from drowning in a lake, he accidentally leaves his diary behind.  Akira opens it, and discovers an extended flashback.

The movie jumps back ten years.  Samar is a street musician in London, but he works a variety of odd jobs in order to support himself and his Pakistani roommate Zain (Sharid Hashmi).   Samar is young and carefree and nothing is ever going to change him, at least until he spots Meera Thappar (Katrina Kaif).  Meera is young, but she's anything but carefree; her wealthy father (Anupam Kher) owns a chain of grocery stores, and she's a key part of his business, a respectable businesswoman who sometimes sneaks off to a nearby church to pray to Jesus.  (I say pray, but it's more like a negotiation - she asks Jesus for a boon, and when the boon is granted she makes a sacrifice, such as giving up smoking or wearing furs.  This will be important later.)  

By the time Samar and Meera properly meet, she's engaged to childhood friend Roger (Jay Conroy), and she is very careful to explain to the handsome musician that she's just met that she is very happy about that.  Really.  

 Meera wants to learn a Punjabi song that she can sing for her father at his birthday party, and she offers Samar money to teach her.  He has a different idea, and asks Meera to help him with his English.  naturally this leads to them falling in love, especially after Samar helps Meera to reconcile with her estranged mother (Neetu Kapoor) and stepfather (Rishi Kapoor).  They plan to make the relationship official, but before Meera can bring up the subject with her father, Samar is hit by a car and seriously injured.  Meera immediately strikes another bargain with Jesus: if He will spare Samar's life, she will give up Samar, the person she loves the most.  

Presumably Jesus accepts the bargain, because Samar makes a full recovery.  But when Meera tells him about her vow, he does not take it well.  He issues his own challenge to God - he will keep risking his life until God either gives up and lets him die, or gives up and lets him have Meera.  And ten years later he's disarming bombs for the Indian army.  

Akira is young and carefree and convinced that nothing will ever change her, so she obtains permission to make a documentary about the Indian Army's bomb disposal unit, and Samar specifically.  Things start off tense, but they soon develop an odd friendship.  While Akira has fallen for Samar, his heart still belongs to Meera.  After two weeks Akira is ready to wrap up the documentary, and it's good enough to get her a job offer from the Discovery Channel, but only if Samar will come to London and confirm his story.  Samar agrees to come, for one day only, just for Akira's sake, and then he's hit by another car.

In the hospital Samar asks for Meera and doesn't recognize Akira at all.  He has amnesia!  A very specific form of amnesia, which causes him to lose all memory of everything after his first car accident.  The only medical solution is for Meera to come to the hospital and help ease him into recovery. And to be fair that's all the doctors ask of her; nobody was expecting her to tell Samar that they're married, requiring an elaborate web of lies.  For a while Samar is happy and Meera is both happy and wracked with guilt, but it's all going to come crashing down sooner or later and Meera and Akira are competing to see who gets to make the big romantic self-sacrifice first.

The movie feels like the filmmakers knew they wanted the amnesia plotline, and then worked backwards to make that happen.  The details never quite line up properly, so the movie throws big emotions at you and hopes that you don't notice.  And to be fair, the big emotions are handled well; all three leads are complicated people, and Kaif, Sharma and Khan all put in great performances.

Normally I would be complaining that this is a problem that could be solved with five minutes of honest conversation, but they have the five minutes of conversation and it doesn't help.   Meera is unusually layered for a romantic heroine, and while she's wrong to give up her love because of a hasty vow, she is the kind of person who would do that,  while Samar is prickly and bitter enough that he has to change as well for the relationship to work.  As always, don't try this at home, and don't think too hard about the plot, but the big sweeping romance will sweep you along if you want it to.