No promises, no demands.

 Many Bollywood movies, even and perhaps especially the romantic comedies, are driven by moral calculus.  The protagonists are torn between personal fulfillment, family duty, and the expectations of society, and they need to strike the right balance, and make the correct choice, even if it means sacrificing everything.  Make the right choice, sacrifice the right things,and your virtue will be rewarded.  You may not get everything back, but at least you'll get to see your elders make the "Wow, such values" face as they marvel at your inherent virtue.  Laaga Chunari Mein Daag: Journey of a Woman (2007) offers a course in Advanced Moral Calculus.  

The Sahay family live in a crumbling mansion in Varanasi, by the sacred waters of the Ganges.  They are Jane Austen poor; father Shivshankar (Anupam Kher) sells old books form the library and buys lottery tickets hoping that that will restore the family fortunes, mother Savitri (Jaya Bachchan) sews clothes and is paid in installments, older sister Vibha (Rani Mukherji) quit school to help her mother, younger sister Shubhi (Konkona Sen Sharma) is still in school and is the hope of the family, and evil uncle Rajjo (Tinnu Anand) is scheming to seize the mansion through legal trickery.

Still, the sisters are very close and seize whatever joy they can, performing a merry song about how they are young and carefree and nothing will ever change them.  Things are looking up when a film company offers to rent part of the house for a shoot; the money from the advance means that Vibha can pay the power bill, and the sisters befriend production assistant Sophia (Tarana Raja) and get to meet a famous classical dancer (Hema Malini) who is captivated by Vibha's purity and beauty.  

But it can't last.  There's a riot in the city, so the shoot is cancelled and Savitri has to return the advance; the director notices that the stack of money is a bit lighter, but doesn't do more than comment, which makes the whole thing even more humiliating.  Shivshakar suffers a heart attack, and the family needs money now, especially as Rajjo is about to take everything.

Vibha announces that she's leaving for Mumbai; she says she has a job lined up already (she doesn't) and that Sophia has agreed to let her live with her (also not true.)  Sophia is not happy to see her, but agrees to let her stay on a strictly temporary basis, and even lines up a job interview for her.  It's a disaster.  Every job Vibha manages to land is a disaster, because she dropped out of school doesn't speak English, and has no marketable skills besides sewing and knitting.  All the while Savitri keeps calling, asking when Vibha will be able to send some money.

Karan (Ninad Karnat), the neighbor downstairs, has a good job at a call center but he refuses to try and get Vibha a job there, claiming that he doesn't want to inflict his horrible boss on her.  But Shivshankar has had another heart attack, the house is collapsing around the family, and Savitri keeps asking when Vibha will be able to send money, so she takes a risk and goes to the call center.  Karan's boss, K. K. Gupta (Harsh Chayya) doesn't seem horrible at first, and he invites Vibha in, explaining that while she's not technically qualified for the job, but there are always exceptions.  Vibha still doesn't get it, so he explains that he will give her the job if she sleeps with him.  She storms off.

Vibha returns to the flat, but Sophia announces that she's kicking her out. She calls her mother to say that she's coming home and tries to explain what happened, but Savitri isn't really listening and demands that she grow up and make the job happen, only realizing what her daughter said after the phone call.  Vibha goes to Gupta, but afterwards he laughs and says there's no job, she's just not qualified, but he throws money at her and promises that if she keeps him happy he'll give her more.

Vibha is completely devastated , and Karan blames himself.  He takes her to stay with his friend Michele (Suchira Pillai), who has a modest proposal: Mumbai is full of men like Gupta, but Vibha can get what she wants form them if she deals with them on her own terms.  She agrees, and with Michele's help she learns English, obtains a stylish modern wardrobe, and reinvents herself as a high-class escort named Natasha.  She is hugely successful, and suddenly she has the money to deal with all of the family's problems.  Savitri has figured out where the money is coming from, but Vibha is the only thing standing between them and utter ruin, so she says nothing.

And then the tone shifts again, because while the plot may scream "art movie," this is a commercial masala picture.  A regular client (Murli Sharma) hires Natasha to join him at a conference in Switzerland.  On the plane she meets a handsome stranger named Rohan Verma (Abhisek Bachchan), and sparks fly.  It turns out that Rohan is presenting at the same conference, and when she has a day off they explore Bern together, but she can't live in a dream so she vanishes without a word and returns to Mumbai, just in time for the next plot twist.

Shubhi has graduated, thanks to Vibha's financial help.  Better yet, she's landed a job at an advertising firm in Mumbai, has bonded with her handsome but slovenly supervisor, Vivaan Verma (Kunal Kapoor), and has stumbled into a new career as a model for a brand of detergent, the kind of instant stardom that happens all the time in Bollywood and utterly failed to happen for Vibha.  Living a double life is a lot harder when your sister is in town, but Vibha does her best, and she's there when Vivaan proposes.  

Vibha calls home to give the family the happy news, and Savitri begs her not to return home; people are already suspicious about where the money is coming from.  Naturally, staying in Mumbvai kicks off a chain of events leading to Shubhi discovering the truth.  And then there's the revelation that Vivaan has an older brother . . .

Again, this is a masala movie, not an art house film, so while Natasha's life as an escort isn't glamorized, it also isn't really shown except in the most sanitized and anodyne way possible.  This movie lacks the gritty realism of the video for "Love is a Battlefield," but it's not interested in the details, it's interested in the moral calculus, with Vibha sacrificing her happiness and personal honor for the sake of her family, leading to the inevitable moment when her parents realize the full extent of what she's done.

And yet.  Sex workers are not uncommon in Bollywood movies of the era, but they're usually there to further the plotline of the leads, and they tend to die tragically, occasionally managing a life of solitary chastity as their reward, like Preity Zinta's character in Chori Chori Chupke Chupke.  (Also starring Rani Mukherji.)  This is Vibha's story; she's presented as a person in her own right, with agency and value, and she's quick to point out that the women on the street are also people with agency and value.  Vibha gets her happy ending, marrying the mans he loves and basking in her parents' "Wow, such values" face.  She's earned it.

This sort of thing happens all the time in Switzerland.

 Before watching the movie, I knew exactly three things about Hadh Kar Di Aapne (2000).  First, the movie was released in 2000, putting it squarely in the middle of my favorite Bollywood era.  Second, it was not written or directed by David Dhawan.  And third, it stars a number of my favorite actors, and also Govinda.  What could possibly go wrong?

Sanjay (Nirmal Pandey) and Anjali Khanna (Ritu and Shivpuri) want a divorce, and for some reason they've each hired a lawyer from the same family, a father and son both played by Johny Lever.  This is mostly an excuse for Johny Lever to argue with himself, crack jokes, and mug for the camera, and it sets a tone that the rest of the movie will follow.

 Sanjay and Anjali each accuse the other of infidelity, and when the judge manages to get a word in edgewise he gives them a month to produce some evidence.  Anjali comes up with a brilliant plan - she'll pretend to leave for a trip to Europe, thus lulling her husband into a false sense of security.  When he inevitably starts with the extramarital canoodling, her lawyer will take pictures, and she'll have all the evidence she needs.  And just to make the ruse even more convincing, she'll send her college friend, also named Anjali Khanna (Rani Mukherji) on the trip in her place, so if anyone thinks to check there will definitely be an Anjali on the tour.

The second Anjali is young and carefree, and has no interest in getting married, so she busies herself in frightening prospective suitors away with outrageous lies.  Unfortunately, her latest suitor is a policeman who sees right through her stories, and if anything he's even more interested.  Anjali agrees to go on the trip for a chance to get away from her otherwise lovely father (Tinnu Anand) pressuring her.

When he finds out about the trip, Sanjay assumes that Anjali is going to Europe to meet a boyfriend, so he comes up with his own cunning plan.  He'll hire someone like James Bond to follow her on the trip and when Anjali inevitably starts with the extramarital canoodling, his secret agent will take pictures, and he'll have all the evidence he needs.  And fortunately, Sanjay knows just the man, his old college friend Raj Malhotra (Govinda), now a private detective.

Cut to Raj proving how much like James Bond he is by singing a song about how he's desperately lonely and just wants some woman somewhere to love him.  Sanjay visits Raj's home; Raj isn't there, but his family is.  They're all broad stereotypes played by Govinda, because if Johny Lever can play two characters in this movie, Govinda gets to play six.  Raj takes the case, and it's off to the airport.

At the airport, Raj and Anjali 2 literally bump into each other, and he quickly demonstrates why he's so lonely by coming on far too strong and touching her without her permission.  He keeps doing this while on the plane, donning an array of wacky disguises, and on the tour bus, and basically everywhere they go.  And at this point I had to double check to make sure the movie really wasn't directed by David Dhawan.

Europe turns out to be the same town in Switzerland filmed from different angles.  (I've seen a lot of late nineties and early noughties Bollywood, and I know the town of Gstaad when I see it.)  Raj thinks he's found his target, and follows Mona (Helen Brodie) as she meets with her various boyfriends and gives them presents during the tour.  He's wrong; Mona is actually smuggling drugs, but Raj still makes regular calls to Sanjay to update him on Mona's scandalous activities, at least when he's not too busy harassing Anjali.

Anjali is disgusted by Raj, but romance is inevitable, and the other tourists seem to think that they will make a delightful couple.  They try to help by conspiring top leave the couple alone in Gstaad on Valentine's Day and giving the hapless young man pep talks and advice, and he does get the chance to save Anjali from a fate worse than death (because this is a Govinda movie and that always happens) but she finally falls for him because it's necessary for the plot.

Then it is time for misunderstandings.  Raj realizes that Mona isn't Anjali, Anjali is Anjali.  (Not the Anjali he's looking for, because if he realized that the movie would be over.)  Anjali 1 discovers that Sanjay booked the same European tour for someone named Raj Malhotra, so she calls Anjali 2 and tells her that Raj is Sanjay in disguise.  Since the pair are already in love at this point, they're both heartbroken but determined to trap the other, though they're also both too moral to fall into the traps, so they return home and go their separate ways.  

I have checked, repeatedly, and David Dhawan did not make this movie.  But it's still incredibly David Dhawany, displaying such Dhawan trademarks as incredibly broad humor, an insufferable protagonist, sexual harassment turning to romance, and a variety of broad stereotypes in place of characters.

There are some bright spots.  Rani is always charming, even in a movie like this one.  Govinda does plenty of dancing, and he's a fantastic dancer.  The supporting cast gets to be funny at times, particularly fellow tourists Paresh Rawal, Himani Shivpuri and Satish Kaushik.  And it's always nice when Tinnu Anand gets to play a nice person rather than the sleazy villains he's usually typecast as.  

In the end, though, this is an aggressively stupid movie with a plot that makes anti-sense, and it's never quite as funny as it thinks it is.

This is not a love story.

The late Irrfan Khan was one of India's most talented and respected actors, with a knack for playing soulful, deeply complex characters. The Song of Scorpions (2017) is not actually Khan's last film, but it feels like it; the 2017 release was at a film festival in Switzerland, but the movie only appeared in Indian theaters in April of 2023.  It's hard to watch the movie without being reminded of his death, and that's not really fair, because while Khan is genuinely great here, it's not really his movie.

This is the story of Nooran (Golshifteh Farahani), a young woman living in a remote corner of Rajahstan.  Nooran is studying with her grandmother Zubaida (Waheeda Rehman) to become a scorpion singer, able to cure a deadly scorpion sting using the sound of her voice and some herbs.  Nooran is something of an outsider in her village, but she loves her grandmother.  She's happy.

Nooran is beautiful and a gifted singer, and so she's attracted the attention of Aadam (Irrfan Khan), a traveling camel driver.  Aadam feels a pure and idealized love for Nooran, and she is aware, but she doesn't have space for a husband in her small and happy world.  Aadam's partner Munna (Shashank Arora) does not feel a pure and idealized love; he lusts after her, but then he lusts after nearly every woman hew meets, so he's content to spend his time with a character listed in the credits as "Lady of the Night" (Tillotama Shome).

And then everything changes.  A boy arrives to seek Nooran's help to save a man stung by a scorpion.  he leads her to a secluded and dark place, where an unknown man rapes her.  The women of the village find her and bring her home, but Zubaida is gone, vanished without a trace.  Nooran shuts herself in her house, but some of the men of the village keep prowling around outside, having decided that she's a fallen woman now and therefore fair game.  Some of the women decide that it would be better for everyone if Nooran left, so they ask her to go to the city, but she does not want to leave.

And then Aadam returns, and he's kind, solicitous, and still wants to marry Nooran.  he offers her a fresh start, and promises to find her grandmother, so Nooran finally agrees to the match.  It's not quite what either of them expected.  Aadam's family, and especially his young daughter Ayeesha (Sara Arjun) keep Nooran at arm's length, and she's simply not the person she was before, and not the person he was expecting.  She has literally lost her song, and describes the experience as having been poisoned.

Things start to get better; at the very least Nooran and Ayeesha start to bond, and Nooran even manages to sing for the girl.  Nooran starts to feel like she's finding herself again.  And then unexpected truths are revealed and everything goes to hell, with Nooran forming a revenge plan which is clever, unexpected, and slightly incoherent.  (The ending makes thematic sense, and I get why things happened the way they did, but I'm not entirely clear on how things happened the way they did.)

One of the marks of a great actor is knowing how and when to give focus rather than just take it, and Irrfan Khan was a great actor.  His Aadam is compelling; he's solemn, poetic, and captivated by the Nooran in his head, but this is definitely Nooran's movie.  Farahani is certainly captivating, mixing moments of humor and genuine joy with the revenge tragedy.  Whatever happens, Nooran is defiantly herself, and she shines all the brighter in the bleak storyline.

The plot is downright Shakespearean, but the cinematography is sumptuous.  I was reminded of the cosmic horror film Tumbbad; storyline, setting, and even genre are wildly different, but they are both movies that find a haunting beauty in a bleak setting.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

Into the Wild Blue Yonder

Fighter (2024) doesn't look like a historical drama, but the movie centers around a highly fictionalized depiction of the  2019 Pulwana attack and the Indian Air Force's retaliatory strike in Balakot, Pakistan, wrapped around the story of a maverick fighter pilot learning to work as a part of a team as he rides into the danger zone.  If it sounds like Top Gun with more crying, that's because it's very much like Top Gun with more crying.

The hotshot maverick fighter pilot in question is Shamsher "Patty" Pathania (Hrithik Roshan), and as expected he's highly skilled, supremely confident, but secretly haunted by the death of his fiance, helicopter pilot Naina (Seerat Mast).  The rest of the Air Dragons are drawn just as broadly, including Patty's old rival Taj (Karan Singh Grover), married to Patty's old friend Saanchi (Sanjeeda Sheikh); Rockjy (Anil Kapoor), the crusty commander who is consistently right about everything but resents Patty for reasons that will become clear later; Minal "Minny" Rathore (Deepika Padukone), the fearless and feisty helicopter pilot who isn't impressed with Patty's swagger, and a few others, most notably Guy Who Is Obviously Going To Die.  (I'm not going to spoil which character it is, but the foreshadowing is pretty heavy.)

Rocky may be a curmudgeon, but he encourages the members of the squadron to get to know each other and form strong bonds, so they spend the opening scenes hanging out, telling jokes, and dropping hits about their respective backstories; they're stationed in chilly Kashmir so they play kabaddi in the snow rather than volleyball on the beach.  And Minny and Patty are clearly headed for a romantic relationship, though he can't bring himself to say anything

But the good times can't last forever.  Fictional freelance terrorist Azhar Akhtar (Rishabh Sawhney),working for the real world terrorist organization Jaish-e-Mohammed, organizes a suicide strike on a CRPF (Central Reserve Police Force) convoy.  (The film goes to great lengths to point out that Akhtar is not Pakistani, a tiny smidgen of nuance that will not last long.)  Casualties are high, and the Indian government decides to retaliate by flattening the Jaish training camp in Balakot, within Pakistan's borders.  The mission is a complete success, though there are some tense moments as Patty clashes with Pakistani air ace Red Nose (Behzaad Khan).  

Pakistan retaliates against the retaliation, and the Air Dragons fight back, but in the process Patty and Taj fly across the Line of Control into Pakistani airspace and Taj's plane is shot down in an ambush.  Taj is alive but a prisoner, and while the inquiry board clears Patty of any wrongdoing, Rocky still has him transferred to the Air Force Academy as a flight instructor.  Patty has to regain his confidence, return to Kashmir, rescue Taj, win back Minni, defeat Red Nose, reconcile with Rocky, and somehow manage to get into a fistfight with Akhtar, and he does.  Though not necessarily in that order.

So, did Fighter take my breath away?  No, and I'll tell you why.  To be clear, this is a very well made film; the cast is great, the action scenes are as dynamic and visually interesting as you can get with planes, Hrithik and Deepika both get a chance to show off their dance moves, and the dialogue is incredibly on-the-nose but delivered with conviction.  But everything is so predictable; the fate of Guy Who is Obviously Going to Die is an obvious example, but every single plot twist is blindingly obvious well in advance.  

And then there's the lack of nuance.  The Spy Universe movies tend to be very "Rah, Rah, India"," and Tiger is consistently referred to as an Indian agent while his wife Zoya is labelled a Pakistani spy, but the heroic rogue agents are consistently working for peace, risking life and limb to protect the peace process and the good people of Pakistan who are tired of the fighting.  In Fighter, negotiating with Pakistan is portrayed as a waste of time, and while fighting Akhtar Patty delivers a speech about Kashmir that ends up sounding like a supervillain rant.  This is a strongly nationalistic movie, and it's using a sensationalized version of real world events to present its vision.

Kashmir is a very complicated topic.  Fighter is not a complicated movie, but perhaps it should have been.

Baby, you can drive my car.

 Bollywood romances are famously complicated.  That's why the movies tend to be so long; you've got to make room for the stern parents, the bitter rival, the comic relief subplot, the unexpected fight scenes and the big, gorgeous musical numbers.  Challo Driver (2012), on the other hand, is not complicated.  It has a trim running time and is one of the most straightforward and on-the-nose love stories I have ever seen.

Tanya (Kainaz Motivala) needs a job.  She wants to make enough money to open up a travel agency, but she also wants a challenge, so when a friend dares her to apply for a job as a chauffeur, that is exactly what she does.

 Mr. Kapoor (Prem Chopra) needs a chauffeur for his grandson.  He's impressed by Tanya, and offers her enough money to start the business of her dreams, but only if she's willing to sign a contract promising to stay on the job for a full six months.  Kapoor has an ulterior motive; grandson Arjun (Vickrant Mahajan) is a driven and abrasive businessman with a habit of firing his drivers over the slightest mistake, and Kapoor made a bet with him that he couldn't go six months without firing another one.

At first Arjun and Tanya don't really get along; he's trying to get around the terms of the bet by getting her to quit, while she's not used to being treated as staff.  But after Tanya has a chance to turn the tables, with Arjun pretending to be her chauffeur and driving her abrasive uncle Pappu (Manoj Pahwa) and Aunt Sweety (Silky Khanna) around Delhi for a couple of days, Arjun learns to respect her and they start to bond over a mutual love of self help books.

And that's the plot.  At first they don't get along, and then they do, and by the end of the movie they're in love.  You might think that the bet would cause problems in their relationship, but Tanya finds out about it almost immediately and doesn't really care; what it really means is that she's unlikely to be fired.  the opening song is all about men and women working the jobs they want and being treated equally, but while some characters point out that a female chauffeur is unusual, it's fine.  

There is a last minute attempt to inject some conflict into the story with a little confusion over a gender neutral Sikh name, but it's a problem that can be cleared up with five minutes of conversation, and the characters have five minutes of conversation.

Challo Driver is fine for what it is.  Motivala and Mahajan have a simple, easy going chemistry and spending time with the characters is pleasant enough.  It's just too easy and over too quickly - it's like watching a masala movie and fast-forwarding through everything but the romantic scenes.  It's sweet, but it's not very filling.

It's a jolly holiday with Rani.

 Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic (2008) opens with a montage of tragedies befalling young Ranbeer Talwar (Yash Belani).  His only friend moves away, his mother dies, he's sent to a boarding school, and the only teacher who bothers to build a connection with the intensely lonely boy is transferred away.  It's an Ebenezer Scrooge origin story, and sure enough the adult Ranbeer (Saif Ali Khan) is driven, competitive, cynical, and more than a little misanthropic.  After winning a major business award, he takes the trophy and stalks off without a word.  On the drive home he looks at his phone for a moment and runs into another car, killing a young couple.  Ranbeer is horrified, and quietly waits for the police.

A year later, Ranbeer arrives at the courthouse for his sentencing, with his self-centered socialite girlfriend Malaika (Ameesha Patel) in tow.  The judge (Sharat Saxena) reminds the courtroom that the real victims of the case are the couple's four orphaned children, and sentences Ranbeer to parenthood; he has to give the children a home and take proper care of them, and if at the end of a month the children have any complaints against him then he'll be sent to prison for twenty years.  This seems needlessly cruel to both Ranbeer and the children, and it would be kinder just to send him straight to prison, but that is the premise of the movie.

And then the movie introduces the kids: responsible but angry older brother Vashisht, level-headed and tough sister Aditi (Shriya Sharma), adopted brother and Sikh Iqbal (Rachit Sidana), and adorable little sister Avantika (Ayushi Burman).  There's also a dog, because the kids are loosely modeled on Enid Blyton's Famous Five.  (Young Ranbeer's teacher gives him a copy of Five Go Off in a Caravan during the opening montage, which is kind of a tell.)  The kids are not okay; they are sad and angry and determined to stay together, driving all of their well-meaning adult relatives away with a series of pranks.  This is their chance to punish Ranbeer, and they intend to take it.

The first day goes really badly for everyone, and things don't improve.  Soon everyone is praying for help.  Fortunately, God is played by Rishi Kapoor in jocular and avuncular mode, and He sends help in the form of Geeta (Rani Mukherji), the naughtiest angel in heaven, who takes a job as the nanny for the family, because this is actually Bollywood Mary Poppins.

I say Mary Poppins, but it's really Bollywood Nanny McPhee, mixed with a bit of the police drama/family film One 2 Ka 4.  The children try to drive Geeta away with pranks, all of which backfire because she's secretly an angel. She wins them over by taking their side against Ranbeer, but she also encourages Ranbeer to think about things from the children's perspective.  

There are magical shenanigans, including a birthday trip to the museum which turns into an adventure through time and space (including a battle on the India-Pakistan border, because clearly these children have not been traumatized enough) and things start to get better.  One by one the children start to see Ranbeer as a flawed man who made a horrible mistake and is trying his best to make amends, rather than as a monster.  Malaika leaves after her sexy dance number during her birthday party is spoiled by tiny CGI sea animals, explaining to Ranbeer that she just can't handle the kids.  Ranbeer stands up for the kids during a business trip to Los Angeles, and they all realize that they have become a family.  This means that Geeta's work is done, and it's time to return to Heaven.

But you can't build a family from the outside.  The children have grown to love Geeta, and she's grown to love them as well.  And because this is Bollywood, Ranbeer has fallen for her; he makes his best pitch in the form of a song, and Geeta is overwhelmed and runs away.  The new family goes to look for her, and wind up in a church, asking God for one last miracle.

This is kind of a weird movie.  Tone is an issue, as the film switches from trauma to wacky pranks to magical hijinks to heartwarming family drama at the drop of a Handbag of Holding.  Malaika's dance number is surprisingly spicy for a children's movie, and I would say that the movie's metaphysics are lifted from The Good Place, except that the show came out eight years later.  (Still, Jeremy Bearimy.)  And it seems like the entire special effects budget is blown on Geeta's introductory song.

Despite all that, though, I can't help but love the movie, and that's largely due to the cast.  Saif Ali Khan dances neatly between comedy and drama, Rani is always delightful, and even the child actors are good, particularly Akshat Chopra as Vashisht, who manages to pack a lot of rage into a sunny children's fantasy. 

Death by Scotland

 Neeyat (2023) has all the elements of a classic Agatha Christie-style mystery: an isolated Scottish castle cut off from the outside by a terrible storm, a cast of colorful characters who all have their own motives for murder, and a script which is loosely adapted from Christie's book Hercule Poirot's Christmas.

Wealthy businessman Ashish Kapoor (Ram Kapoor), known to friends and family as "AK", has had a rough couple of years.  He's lost a large amount of money, his tech company has crumbled, and he hasn't paid any employees in over two years, a fact which has led to multiple suicides.  Still, AK is beyond Indian jurisdiction, he's rich, and he owns a small castle off the coast of Scotland, so he's throwing himself a birthday party with a special surprise guest.

The guest list includes Jimmy (Rahul Bose), the brother of AK's late wife, her drug addicted son Ryan (Shashank Arora), Ryan's new girlfriend Gigi (Prajakta Koly), AK's new girlfriend Lisa (Shahana Goswami), former Bollywood star Noor (Dipannita Sharma) and her disgraced plastic surgeon husband Sanjay (Neeraj Kabi), their son Ishaan (Madhav Deval), AK's orphaned niece Sasha (Ishika Mehra), and AK's psychic advisor Zara (Niki Aneja Walia)  and her little dog Rumi.  Do they all have motives for murder?  They do!

The staff may not have motives for murder.  AK's personal assistant Kay (Amrita Puri) is absolutely devoted to him, and event planner Tanveer (Danesh Razvi) is mostly just smug.  The rest of the castle's staff left early because they wanted to get home before Storm Irene hit and conveniently cut the castle off from the outside world.

And then there's that surprise guest.  CBI officer Mira Rao (Vidya Balan), who arrives just ahead of the storm.  AK introduces her to the other guests, explaining that he's decided to turn himself in, also handing his assets over to the Indian government. And then Gigi enters the room dressed as AK's late wife, just before the chandelier falls and a fight breaks out.  AK storms off into the . . . . well, the storm.  Mira follows, but is hit from behind by an unknown assailant.   When she comes to, AK is lying at the bottom of the cliff in a pool of blood, and there's no way to reach him.  Mira suspects foul play, but Zara insists that she saw him jump.

There is a mystery and while Mira is well out of her jurisdiction, she's the closest thing to an authority figure available, so she starts to investigate, with mixed success.  Mira is obviously brilliant and very observant, but she seems uncomfortable with other aspects of police work, and especially with using the gun she carries.  She persists, but the bodies just keep piling up.

Neeyat has a complicated plot, and literally everybody is hiding something, with the possible exception of Rumi.  Still, the mystery plays fair, secrets revealed make sense given what has gone before, and it is possible to figure out what is going on.  However, the tone is decidedly quirky; the mystery is played straight, but some of the characters are surprisingly genre aware, and there are wry comments.  Mira is not one of those characters.

The best reason to watch this movie is Vidya Balan; her Mira is an intriguing detective, more Monk than Poirot, but with an insecurity all her own, wrapped around an inner core of righteous anger.  It's enough to make me overlook the fact that the local police, when they finally arrive, introduce themselves as being from Scotland Yard.