Bhooty Call: Bandh Darwaza

 Bandh Darwaza (1990) is sometimes billed as "The Indian Version of Dracula," but that's wrong on two levels.  First, there have been multiple Indian adaptations of Bram Stoker's over the years; I've reviewed a bunch of them.  Second, and more importantly, Dracula has an actual plot.

The demon Nevla (Aniruddh Agarwal) certainly looks the part, though, spending the entire movie dressed as Bela Lugosi.  Nevla lives (or unlives) in the cursed Black Mountain, surrounded by a gang of misfit cultists, and every night he turns into a big bat and hunts for blood.

Meanwhile, the Thakur Pratap Singh (Vijayendra Ghatge) and his wife Lajjo (Beena Banerjee) are hoping to have a child, and they've tried exactly one thing, visiting every temple they can find to seek divine intervention.  The family maid, Mahua (Aruna Irani), is secretly a member of the cult, and takes lajjo aside and offers Nevla's help.  Lajjo is so desperate that she agrees, and they visit the Black Mountain together.  There's a ritual, Lajjo is hypnotized, and Neval makes his offer - she will have a child.  If the child is a boy, she can consider it a free gift.  If it's a girl, then the child belongs to the Black Mountain.  Lajjo agrees (though I do not think that an agreement made under the influence of spooky vampire hypnosis wouldn't hold up in court.)  Then Nevla takes very direct action to produce said child.  (I also don't think spooky vampire hypnosis counts as consent.  Nevla is a bad guy.)

The child is born, and it's a girl.  Mahua demands that the wife turn the baby over, and when Lajjo refuses, she poisons her.  The wife lives just long enough to confess everything to the Thakur.  He storms the Black Mountain with his men and a gun, and apparently wins, but the movie immediately jumps ahead several years.  

Thakur's daughter is now a young adult named Kamya (Kunika Sadanand), and she is introduced to the audience in her room, working out in leotard and leggings, as the comic relief servant Gopi (Johny Lever!) spies on her from just outside her door, firmly establishing the film's exploitation credentials.

 

Kamya is in love with, or perhaps fixated on, her childhood friend Kumar (Hashmat Khan), but Kumar only has eyes for Sapna (Manjeet Kullar).  One night Sapna is driving home through the spooky woods when she meets a strange woman (Shayamalee) who needs a ride to the Black Mountain.  When she drops the woman off, she discovers that the Vanishing Hitchhiker left her book behind, so she tries to return it, only to discover the cult, now led by Mahua, performing a human sacrifice.  She runs away.

Kumar and her other friends don't believe her story, and eventually Kumar insists on taking her to the Black Mountain to prove that nothing happened.  They arrive discover the hidden evil temple with its sacrificial altar and enormous bat statue, and since there's no blood on the altar he smugly declares that he was right all along and there's nothing suspicious there.  Sapna does discover the book, though, and takes it away with her.  

The book turns out to be full of evil spells, and Kumar still insists that it's nothing unusual.  When Sapna is alone the Vanishing Hitchhiker returns to ask for her book back, but when Kumar appears she's already vanished, along with the book.  The book winds up in Kamya's hands, though.  Kamya uses a spell to summon Kumar, but Sapna and her brother Anand (Satish Kaul) arrive in time to interrupt.  Kamya hides, and the pair bring Kumar to his senses.

The cult invites Kamya to join a ritual at the Black Mountain, but it's all a ruse to use her blood to reanimate Nevla.  It works.  Nevla is back (though a bit more slimy than he used to be) and Kamya winds up as his hypnotized bride, alternately chained up, sleeping in a glass coffin, or sent out to gather more women for Nevla.

And then the movie spins its wheels for a long time.  Sapna and Kumar try to rescue Kamya but fail, more than once.  Kamya lures Anand's wife Bhanu (Anita Sareen) to the Black Mountain, then she escapes before being lured back again.  There are several trips to the Black Mountain and back, and nobody ever makes a plan or thinks to bring any weapons, until finally (finally!) the cult makes an attempt to kidnap Sapna directly, which they could have done at any time.  (Sapna actually acquits herself pretty well; she's a better fighter than Kumar.)

The Thakur finds out about the vampire situation, and he brings new ideas to the table, like "make a plan" and "carry holy symbols" and "get help" and suddenly our heroes start having a lot more success.  If this was Dracula, they would have had access to Mina Harker compiling available information and making plans accordingly, and the movie would have been twenty minutes long.  But it's not Dracula.

This isn't Dracula, but it does resemble a gender-flipped Veerana.  It has many of the same beats, and includes similar tropes, but there's a lot more wheel-spinning, Nevla doesn't have the magnetic charm of the earlier movie's Jasmine, and the evil lair decor isn't nearly as good.  Bandh Darwaza is a fine choice if you're in the mood for Ramsay vampires, but there are other options.

Ship of Fools

 As the  title implies, Housefull 5 (2025) is the latest installment in the Housefull franchise.  It's not a literal sequel; the movies in the series will share some actors, character names, and a tendency toward broad comedy, but storylines and even genres will change from installment to installment.  Housefull 4 was a reincarnation comedy that doubled as a spoof of Indian mythological epics, while 5 is a murder mystery on a boat.  It was also released with two different endings, borrowing the central gimmick from Clue.  The mystery doesn't get in the way of the broad comedy, though.

Billionaire Rajneet Dobriyal (Rajneet Bedi) is hosting a birthday party on his private cruise ship as it sails from Newcastle to Scotland.  (The film doesn't specify where in Scotland.)  Before the cruise can get underway, though, Rajneet is discovered dead.  This isn't a big surprise, since the party is for Rajneet's 100th birthday, but son Dev (Fardeen Khan) and assorted members of the company and ship's crew decide to keep the death a secret until control of the company can be formally passed on to Dev, to protect the stock price.  However, Rajneet's lawyer Lucy (Soundarya Sharma) reveals that Rajneet left a will, which leaves everything to his other son Jolly.  None of them have met Jolly, but he will be joining them on the cruise, and he will be bringing his foreign-born wife.

 Sure enough, Jolly (Riteish Deshmukh) shows up on time, along with his wife Zara (Sonam Bajwa); she's from Afghanistan.  Then Jolly (Abhishek Bachchan) appears with his wife Shashikala (Jacqueline Fernandes) from Sri Lanka.  And then Jolly (Akshay Kumar) arrives, with his wife Kaanchi (Nargis Fakhri), from Nepal.  Dev asks the ship's doctor to perform blood tests, then the three Jollys are allowed to enjoy the ship while they wait for the results.

That night the ship's cook Pasta (Chunkey Pandey) slips something into everybody's drink, and the three Jollys wake up with the wrong people and no memory of what happened the night before.  But somebody has killed the ship's doctor, and the three Jollys are the natural suspects.

 The ship's head of security, Batuk Patel (Johnny Lever) locks the Jollys up, and they compare notes.  naturally, none of them are real, and none of them are married, so the six team up to solve the mystery before the ship reaches Scotland.  Meanwhile, Maya (Chitrangda Singh), the company's CFO, has called for help from her ex husband Baba (Jackie Shroff) and his partner Bhiddu (Sanjay Dutt), two maverick cops who play by their own rules.  It's a race to solve the mystery as the bodies pile up, with an extended Weekend at Bernies riff as the Jollys attempt to dispose of Ranjeet's body for reasons.  

 This is obviously a very silly movie; the Housefull franchise is nothing but very silly movies.  Some of the jokes hit better than others; Dutt and Shroff are a perfect parody of Indian movie cops in general and their own respective careers in particular, and Akshay-Jolly's blood feud with the ship's parrot is played perfectly straight.  (His rumble with two monkeys is less effective.)  Johnny Lever continues to be the King of this sort of broad comedy, mugging for the camera with style and skill.

However there's also a lot of focus on ogling the female cast members.  The treatment of lawyer Lucy is particularly egregious, as well as the scene where the Mrs. Jollys assure the audience and one another that the only possible way to sneak into the ship's medical center is by shimmying on their backs through the air ducts.  The Housefull series has always dabbled in sexual humor, but at times this comes across as a bit from The Benny Hill Show or Carry On Stabbing.  It's very much a Curate's Egg of a movie - good in parts, but I cannot vouch for the whole.

 

They look for their destiny in parrots.

 Apparently Deewane Huye Paagal (2005) is the unofficial Indian remake of There's Something About Mary, which means that once again, I have seen the Bollywood version but not the original film.  I'm pretty the subplot about the elixir of youth is unique to this version, though.

The film opens with a cowboy hatted narrator (Vivek Oberoi) floating through a pink background.  The narrator summarizes the surprisingly complicated backstory - a brilliant but absent minded scientist (Om Puri) has developed a serum which can reverse aging.  His gangster brother Khurana (also Om Puri) wants it, and he's willing to kill to get it.  The scientist is even more absent-minded than the stereotype would suggest, and uses a stuffed parrot with a built in recording device to help him remember key information.  This will be important later.

 Meanwhile, Karan (Shahid Kapoor) is a college student working an the restaurant owned by Murugun (Johnny Lever.)  Like most of the students at his college, Karan is infatuated with Tanya (Rimi Sen), who performs concerts on campus for some reason.  Karan knows that he doesn't have a shot with Tanya, but after standing up for her mentally disabled brother Gullu (Rakesh Bedi) when he's threatened by Khurana's son Sunny (Suresh Menon) he suddenly does have a shot.  

 

Tanya and Karan grow closer, but on the night of Karan's birthday, she sees Khurana's competent son Baljeet (Baljeet Singh) murder his scientist uncle, and the parrot is left in her car.  Since the parrot holds the code to the safe that contains the youth formula, Baljeet is doubly motivated to find her, so Tanya has to flee town without telling Karan.  He looks for her, but the only thing he finds is a stuffed parrot, which he assumes is his birthday present.

And all of that is prelude.  Three years later, Karan is less geeky, but still pining for Tanya.  he bumps into some of her college friends and learns that she's moved to Dubai, and he wants to leave immediately, but Murugun convinces him to wait until they have arranged passports.  While they wait they hire private detective Rocky (Akshay Kumar) to find Tanya's address.  And that's when things get even more complicated.

 Rocky discovers that Tanya is now Natasha, and learns that she's become a popular singer who is about to release her first album, as you do when you are in hiding.  he also discovers that she's gorgeous, and quickly falls in love as well.  When Karan and Murugun arrive, Rocky spins a long list of lies, telling Karan that Tanya is overweight, in a wheelchair, running a laundry business in her home, and raising seven children with three different fathers.  Karan is even more determined to find her; if she needs him he's going to be there for her.  Finally Rocky claims that Tanya has left Dubai and is on a honeymoon with her new gangster husband, and they are also on the run from the law, so Karan sadly starts making preparations to return home and disappears from the movie for a bit.

 Rocky continues to spy on Tanya/Natasha so that he can present himself as the perfect man for her.  he also learns that he's surrounded by other men - her brother Gullu has died, but she has practically adopted Tommy (Paresh Rawal), who suffered brain damage after she ran him over with her car.  Her overprotective architect friend Sanju (Suniel Shetty) walks with crutches, and keeps telling her terrible things about her rich and charming ex-boyfriend Raj (Aftab Shivdasani).  And there's a blind man (Asrani) who keeps bumping into her for some reason.

 Rocky keeps spying and manipulating, and along the way he discovers that the men around Natasha are all in love with her and also all lying; Tommy isn't disabled at all, Sanju is an able-bodied plumber who makes things up about Natasha's suitors, and Raj is actually a decent guy, but thanks to Sanju he's out of the picture.  Rocky is better at manipulating Natasha than they are (though Natasha is spectacularly gullible, so it's not that hard) and he's nearly convinced her to marry him when Karan happens to bump into them.  

We have a love triangle!  Sort of!  Rocky is still lying, and while Karan is still devoted to Tanya, he's so reflexively noble that he's constantly about to leave so that she can be happy, and he never thinks to mention that he knows for a fact that Rocky isn't an architect or a navy captain.  

 The gangsters finally return, and secrets are revealed, leading to kidnapping, car chases, and an interminable climactic action scene involving motorcycles and an infinite supply of dune buggies.  

 This is a very silly movie, but silly isn't always bad.  There are some good things here!  Because the movie is so ridiculous, everybody pitches their performance to Johnny Lever levels, which gives him the chance to shine; Murugun is the most consistently sympathetic character in the film, and actually gets to contribute to the plot rather than just providing comic relief.  This is early in Shahid Kapoor's career, so he's still doing a Shah Rukh Khan impression here, but young Shahid does a good Shah Rukh Khan impression.

And I'm done saying nice things.  I have tried to present the plot as I understand it, but the whole thing is pretty incoherent, and even with the narrator it's hard to follow.  The actual jokes often land, but for a lot of the time the movie relies on mugging for the camera rather than bothering with actual jokes.  Tommy's mentally-challenged act is pretty gross. And even that is not the real problem.

The real problem is that the film thinks we like Rocky.  Karan vanishes for a good chunk of the runtime, and we're left to follow Rocky as he spies on, lies to, and manipulates Natasha.  Akshay Kumar is a very charismatic man, and he's great at playing lovable rogues, but Rocky is not a lovable rogue, he's a creep in dire need of a comeuppance that never quite arrives.  I don't want to follow him in his attempts at romance, and I actively don't want him to get the girl.  (He doesn't.)

 I realize that this is basically the same complaint I had about Blue, but Akshay's character here is even more unlikable.

 

All that's missing is a bag of diamonds.

Despite its release date, Love Ke Liye Kuch Bhi Karega (2001) is a pretty typical early Nineties Bollywood farce, with an overbearing father-in-law, alleged heroes engaged in a morally dubious scheme, a briefcase full of cash getting passed around, and a happy ending that solves nothing.  Well, mostly typical.

Prakash (Saif Ali Khan) is a charming and ambitious man who hopes to marry into money,and he's set his sights on Sapna (Sonali Bendre), an aspiring artist with a wealthy father and a short attention span. And it works!  The couple are quickly married, but Prakash discovers that while he's found a comfortable life, he doesn't have the respect of his father in law Rajiv (Dalip Tahil), who gives him a large office to sit in all day but refuses to let him have any responsibility,and berates him at every turn.  Prakash decides to start his own business, but he'll need money for that, and Rajiv isn't going to give him any.

Meanwhile, roommates Rahul (Fardeen Khan) and Harry (Aftab Shivdasani) have their own problems. Rahul is looking for a job without success, so  he hasn't  paid the rent in six months. This is especially awkward because he's in love with the landlord's daughter, Anjali (Twinkle Khanna).  Harry, meanwhile, just wants to have fun with as many ladies as possible, and he's borrowed money from the feared gangster Aslam Bhai (Johnny Lever)

Rahul finally has a chance to land a job, he'll have to pay a sizable bribe in order to seal the deal. Meanwhile, Anjali's father (Tanikella Bharani) has arranged a marriage for her in a month; he's willing to reconsider, but only if Rahul is employed, so they now have a deadline. And Harry has an idea - they can do some crimes to get money!  Not big crimes, just a little bit of mugging in the parking lot of a five star hotel.

Harry and Rahul attempt to mug, and Prakash is one of their first targets.  Despite dressing well, though, he doesn't really have much money. What he does have is an idea - the se skilled and totally trustworthy criminals can kidnap Sapna for a few hours, and demand a large ransom. Prakash will split the money with them, Rajiv is rich enough that he won't miss the money, and everybody will be happy!

And then wackiness ensues.  Sapna turns out to be surprisingly capable of defending herself, but Rahul and harry finally manage to kidnap her, only to realize that their tiny apartment is no place to keep a hostage, while Anjali is starting to suspect that something is up. It's a bit like "The Ransom of Red Chief" mixed with a dash of Fargo without the body count.  This is a silly movie.

Aslam Bhai has an extended subplot about being scammed by a fake movie producer named Aaj Kapoor (Snehal Dabi) who exploits his dreams of Bollywood stardom, and it is also silly, but silly in an unexpected way.  For a long time Johnny Lever was  Bollywood's reigning King of Comic Relief, a reputation he earned through incredibly broad acting and mugging for the camera, but he plays Aslam Bhai almost completely straight; it's arguably a more serious performance than the leads put in. 

Johnny Lever is interesting, Saif Ali Khan is reliably good, Sonali Bendre and Twinkle Khanna are charming but don't have much to do, and Fardeen Khan and Aftab Shivdasani are also in the movie.

Maximum drama.

Story time.  Chori Chori Chupke Chupke (2001) was supposed to premier in December of 2000, but the release was delayed for several months when financier Bharat Shah and producer Nazim Rizvi were arrested for funneling money from organized crime, and particularly the infamous crime lord Chotta Shakeel, into the Bollywood film industry.  The trial lasted for over a year, and a number of Bollywood luminaries such as Salman Khan and Shah Rukh Khan were scheduled to testify for the prosecution, but they all recanted their testimony after a barrage of threats.

All except one, that is.  Rising star Preity Zinta, then best known for her dimple and bubbly persona, testified about the extortion threats she received during filming, and stood by her testimony in the face of continued threats, even though she had to go into hiding for a few months afterwords.  The press dubbed Zinta "The Only Man in Bollywood"; she hates the nickname because it implies that courage is an exclusively masculine trait, but it is certainly punchy.

But while the real world drama is interesting, we're really here for the movie.

The Malhotra family is one of the happy, loving extended families that popped up all the time in films around the turn of the century.  Wealthy patriarch Kailashnath (Amrish Puri) has retired, leaving business matter sin the hands of his son Ranjit (Dalip Tahil), while daughter in law Asha (Farida Jalal) manages the household and Pappu (Johny Lever), orphaned son of Kailishnath's old partner, provides comic relief.  Kailashnath has one dream: he wants a great grandson, and he's expecting grandson Raj (Salman Khan) to get married and provide one right away.

Raj does not want to get married, at least until he goes to a friend's wedding and meets Priya (Rani Mukherji), who completely takes over the celebration as only a character played by Rani Mukherji can, complete with a banging musical number.  Raj is smitten, and after some humorous misunderstandings, Raj and Priya are married, Priya joins the happy and loving extended family, and she's soon carrying the Malhotra heir.

And then tragedy strikes.  There's an accident, and Priya suffers a miscarriage.  the family (and especially Kailashnath) all try to comfort her by telling her that she'll be pregnant again soon.  What they don't know, but Raja and Priya do, is that the accident has rendered her infertile.  The promised Malhotra heir is not coming, but the family keeps pressuring them anyway, and the family doctor (Prem Chopra) is convinced that Kailashnath will have a heart attack if he finds out the truth.

Raj sensibly suggests that they go overseas and adopt a child, but Priya knows that Kailashnath is hoping for a great grandson that looks like Raj; it has to be Raj's child.  She reads an article about surrogacy, but the family is so well known that any attempt at artificial insemination would be discovered.  Priya has a simple (and terrible) plan: find a woman who will join them in Switzerland for a year and make a baby with Raj the old fashioned way.

Raj is in charge of finding a volunteer, and he's terrible at it.  His luck changes on a business trip, when he accidentally picks up a sex worker who hears his story and suggests a local bar dancer named Madhubala (Preity Zinta).  Madhubala is brash and spunky, and when she first appears on screen she's wearing a pink cowboy hat which is helpfully labelled "Sexy."

And then the movie becomes Pretty Woman for a while.  Madhubala, now "Madhu," learns how to dress and talk in order to pass in high society, and she forms a cautious friendship with Raj, especially after he comes to her aid when a snooty store manager throws her out.  Raj remains a perfect gentleman, though; Priya hasn't approved of Madhu yet, and he's been reluctant to cheat on his wife all along, no matter how baby hungry everyone else is.

Priya does approve, and the trio set off for romantic Switzerland.  After some careful maneuvering by Priya Raj and Madhu manage to complete their mission, and the three settle into a happy domestic life together, but there's trouble ahead.  Raj and Priya continue to treat Madhu with respect and value her as a person, and Madhu is starting to lose her professional detachment.  Before the situation can develop into a full-blown Archie-style love triangle Raj's family show up unannounced, and after the expected sitcom shenanigans they start treating Madhu with respect and valuing her as a person as well.  Everyone is happy but there are multiple shoes waiting to drop, and it is all going to end in tears.

First things first.  The plot is silly.  Surrogacy is a good idea in the Malhotra's situation, but Priya insists on going about it in the most emotionally complicated way possible.  They don't discuss anything with the rest of the family, ostensibly because of Kailashnath's allegedly weak heart, but mostly in order to create maximum opportunities for melodrama.  

On the other hand, it's a great cast, and they commit to the bit.  Rani Mukherji is always great, and the relationship between Priya and Madhu is complicated but feels real and valuable.  

However, as good as the cast is, everything rides on Preity Zinta's shoulders.  It has to, because Madhubala is the only character with an actual emotional arc, and everyone's happy ending depends on her choices.  I am happy to report that Preity Zinta rises to the challenge; she's the hero of the movie in more ways than one.

This sort of thing happens all the time in Switzerland.

 Before watching the movie, I knew exactly three things about Hadh Kar Di Aapne (2000).  First, the movie was released in 2000, putting it squarely in the middle of my favorite Bollywood era.  Second, it was not written or directed by David Dhawan.  And third, it stars a number of my favorite actors, and also Govinda.  What could possibly go wrong?

Sanjay (Nirmal Pandey) and Anjali Khanna (Ritu and Shivpuri) want a divorce, and for some reason they've each hired a lawyer from the same family, a father and son both played by Johny Lever.  This is mostly an excuse for Johny Lever to argue with himself, crack jokes, and mug for the camera, and it sets a tone that the rest of the movie will follow.

 Sanjay and Anjali each accuse the other of infidelity, and when the judge manages to get a word in edgewise he gives them a month to produce some evidence.  Anjali comes up with a brilliant plan - she'll pretend to leave for a trip to Europe, thus lulling her husband into a false sense of security.  When he inevitably starts with the extramarital canoodling, her lawyer will take pictures, and she'll have all the evidence she needs.  And just to make the ruse even more convincing, she'll send her college friend, also named Anjali Khanna (Rani Mukherji) on the trip in her place, so if anyone thinks to check there will definitely be an Anjali on the tour.

The second Anjali is young and carefree, and has no interest in getting married, so she busies herself in frightening prospective suitors away with outrageous lies.  Unfortunately, her latest suitor is a policeman who sees right through her stories, and if anything he's even more interested.  Anjali agrees to go on the trip for a chance to get away from her otherwise lovely father (Tinnu Anand) pressuring her.

When he finds out about the trip, Sanjay assumes that Anjali is going to Europe to meet a boyfriend, so he comes up with his own cunning plan.  He'll hire someone like James Bond to follow her on the trip and when Anjali inevitably starts with the extramarital canoodling, his secret agent will take pictures, and he'll have all the evidence he needs.  And fortunately, Sanjay knows just the man, his old college friend Raj Malhotra (Govinda), now a private detective.

Cut to Raj proving how much like James Bond he is by singing a song about how he's desperately lonely and just wants some woman somewhere to love him.  Sanjay visits Raj's home; Raj isn't there, but his family is.  They're all broad stereotypes played by Govinda, because if Johny Lever can play two characters in this movie, Govinda gets to play six.  Raj takes the case, and it's off to the airport.

At the airport, Raj and Anjali 2 literally bump into each other, and he quickly demonstrates why he's so lonely by coming on far too strong and touching her without her permission.  He keeps doing this while on the plane, donning an array of wacky disguises, and on the tour bus, and basically everywhere they go.  And at this point I had to double check to make sure the movie really wasn't directed by David Dhawan.

Europe turns out to be the same town in Switzerland filmed from different angles.  (I've seen a lot of late nineties and early noughties Bollywood, and I know the town of Gstaad when I see it.)  Raj thinks he's found his target, and follows Mona (Helen Brodie) as she meets with her various boyfriends and gives them presents during the tour.  He's wrong; Mona is actually smuggling drugs, but Raj still makes regular calls to Sanjay to update him on Mona's scandalous activities, at least when he's not too busy harassing Anjali.

Anjali is disgusted by Raj, but romance is inevitable, and the other tourists seem to think that they will make a delightful couple.  They try to help by conspiring top leave the couple alone in Gstaad on Valentine's Day and giving the hapless young man pep talks and advice, and he does get the chance to save Anjali from a fate worse than death (because this is a Govinda movie and that always happens) but she finally falls for him because it's necessary for the plot.

Then it is time for misunderstandings.  Raj realizes that Mona isn't Anjali, Anjali is Anjali.  (Not the Anjali he's looking for, because if he realized that the movie would be over.)  Anjali 1 discovers that Sanjay booked the same European tour for someone named Raj Malhotra, so she calls Anjali 2 and tells her that Raj is Sanjay in disguise.  Since the pair are already in love at this point, they're both heartbroken but determined to trap the other, though they're also both too moral to fall into the traps, so they return home and go their separate ways.  

I have checked, repeatedly, and David Dhawan did not make this movie.  But it's still incredibly David Dhawany, displaying such Dhawan trademarks as incredibly broad humor, an insufferable protagonist, sexual harassment turning to romance, and a variety of broad stereotypes in place of characters.

There are some bright spots.  Rani is always charming, even in a movie like this one.  Govinda does plenty of dancing, and he's a fantastic dancer.  The supporting cast gets to be funny at times, particularly fellow tourists Paresh Rawal, Himani Shivpuri and Satish Kaushik.  And it's always nice when Tinnu Anand gets to play a nice person rather than the sleazy villains he's usually typecast as.  

In the end, though, this is an aggressively stupid movie with a plot that makes anti-sense, and it's never quite as funny as it thinks it is.

Archie Month: Kuch Kuch Hota Hai revisited.

 Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (1998) opens with a death, which is an unusual choice for a romantic movie.  Tina (Rani Mukherji) succumbs to a fatal case of Bollywood Mystery Disease shortly after giving birth, leaving behind her grieving husband Rahul (Shah Rukh Khan), her newborn daughter Anjali, and a stack of eight letters, one for each of Anjali's first eight birthdays.  (And you may be wondering what a one year old is going to do with a letter, but I can assure you, this plot is going to get weirder.)

Eight years pass.  Rahul is a successful businessman, living with his mother (Farida Jalal) and Anjali (Sana Saeed) who is spunky, TV obsessed, and devoted to her dad.  They're mostly happy, but something is definitely missing, and Anjali feels her mother's absence keenly.  Still, it's her birthday, and she has one more letter to look forward to.  She opens it and discovers an extended flashback!

Tina writes about Rahul's college days at St. Xaviers, the Bollywoodest of Bollywood colleges, complete with quirky teachers, a cheer-leading squad, and intercollegiate music competitions complete with hand painted signs.  Young Rahul is . . . kind of a jerk, honestly.  He's a smug aspiring ladies man who wears a chain with the word "Cool" on it.  However, he has a best friend, tomboy Anjali Sharma (Kajol), and she keeps him somewhat grounded.  (Cut to Little Anjali looking surprised at the namesake she's never heard of.)

Rahul and Anjali are very close, though they fight a lot, especially after Anjali inevitably beats Rahul at basketball.  The other students at the college are weirdly invested in their friendship, though, and will perform a spontaneous musical number in order to get them to make up.  And then Tina appears.  Tina Malhotra, that is, Oxford educated and drop dead gorgeous daughter of the college principal (Anupam Kher), who has transferred to St. Xaviers as a favor to her father.

Rahul is immediately captivated by Tina, and tries being an enormous jackass in order to win her heart.  When that completely fails, he tries a different tack, announcing to a classroom that "Love is Friendship," that friendship is absolutely necessary for any romantic relationship to work.  That gets Tina's attention,and when he asks her to be his friend she says yes.  Unfortunately, his declaration also gets Anjali's attention, and she starts wondering if her feelings for Rahul aren't so platonic after all.  The Archie romantic triangle is in place.

Unfortunately for Anjali, it isn't much of a contest.  She's an awkward tomboy with no experience in matters of the heart, and her attempts to dress up and look pretty like Tina lead to humiliating failure.  Tina, on the other hand, is glamorous, worldly, and has a keen emotional intelligence that Rahul and Anjali both lack.  Tina suspects that there's more to Rahul and Anjali's relationship than just friendship, and she tries to talk to Anjali about it before seriously pursuing a relationship.  Even after Anjali's vague denials, she still feels that she's an interloper, but Rahul has no such doubts, and confesses his love.  Anjali is heartbroken, and after an emotional farewell to Rahul and Tina she leaves college and they never see her again.

Tina ends her story by saying that she knows Rahul is lonely now, and that she still feels terrible about coming between them, so she charges Little Anjali to find Big Anjali and finally reunite her with Rahul, which seems like a lot of pressure to put on an eight year old; she immediately recruits her grandparents to help, but it might have been better for Tina to ask her father in the first place rather than waiting eight years for her daughter to develop sufficient reading comprehension.  

Big Anjali, meanwhile, is older, more confident, and wears saris rather than gym gear.  She's engaged to Aman (Salman Khan), a businessman who is handsome, charming, sort of annoying, and utterly besotted with her.  Her mother (Reema Lagoo) has doubts; she knows that Anjali never got over Rahul, and that she isn't really in love with Aman, but Anjali is determined to go through with the wedding.  Thanks to literal divine intervention the actual marriage is delayed until December, so she goes to work at a summer camp in Shimla, run by the cheerful but buffoonish and Britain-obsessed Colonel Almeida (Johny Lever.)

Little Anjali learns about the summer camp by calling her namesake and listening silently until she hears something useful.  She and her grandmother enroll in the camp, the Anjalis meet and bond, and then the older Anjali discovers just who her new student is, and what happened to her friend Tina.  Then Little Anjali activates Phase II of her plan, calling her father and pretending to be sick so that he'll rush to the camp.  He rushes to the camp, sees both Anjalis together, and completely fumbles the reunion.  Little Anjali and her co-conspirators do their best to push the two together, old feelings resurface, new feelings start to boil over, and the pair are just about to confess their mutual love when Aman returns.

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai was writer/director Karan Johar's first movie, and the first step in his examination of increasingly transgressive love stories.  However, Rahul and Anjali are really not that transgressive; he's a widower and she's engaged to another man, but widowed men remarry all the time in Bollywood, and even Aman knows that she's just not that into him.  It's not like there's family pressure forcing Anjali to keep the engagement, either, since her mother clearly has doubts about the whole situation.  Everything could be resolved happily with five minutes of honest conversation, but instead Rahul and Anjali suffer in silence up to the very last minute, inspiring the people around them to make what Pretentious Movie Reviews calls the "Wow, Such Values Face", marveling at their stoic but pointless sacrifice.

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai has been reexamined in recent years, and as a member of the Pretty In Pink generation I think that's healthy.  I don't agree with all of the criticism I've seen, but Rahul is kind of toxic at times, especially in his younger days, and the movie does stick to a very conservative idea of family structure, with Little Anjali needing a mother being one of the driving elements of the plot.  Rather than argue fine points, though, I will tell you why I think that Kuch Kuch Hota Hai is good, actually.

It goes back to Archie comics, which Karan Johar has said were a specific inspiration for the film.  For the Betty-Archie-Veronica triangle to really work, both of the potential love interests have to be viable choices; Pride and Prejudice doesn't fit the Archie model, for instance, because Darcy is good but stuffy while Wickham is charming but actually a monster.  More than that, like Betty and Veronica, Anjali and Tina are genuine friends, with a relationship that extends beyond Rahul.  When Anjali discovers the truth about Little Anjali, her first reaction is to take a moment to mourn her friend.

The plot is, of course, absolute nonsense, with a constellation of plot holes shining through the script.  But like many films of this era, the plot is just a vehicle for delivering emotions, and emotions abound.  Even at this early stage of his career, Karan Johar has a real knack for writing characters, and the actors chosen to play those characters are fantastic.  Kajol is the real standout here, conveying volumes of meaning just through facial expression; you can literally highlight the exact second when her heart breaks, in the middle of a joyous dance number, without a word being spoken.

The movie is a mess, but it's a wonderful mess.  Just don't take it as a guide to healthy relationships.