Maximum drama.

Story time.  Chori Chori Chupke Chupke (2001) was supposed to premier in December of 2000, but the release was delayed for several months when financier Bharat Shah and producer Nazim Rizvi were arrested for funneling money from organized crime, and particularly the infamous crime lord Chotta Shakeel, into the Bollywood film industry.  The trial lasted for over a year, and a number of Bollywood luminaries such as Salman Khan and Shah Rukh Khan were scheduled to testify for the prosecution, but they all recanted their testimony after a barrage of threats.

All except one, that is.  Rising star Preity Zinta, then best known for her dimple and bubbly persona, testified about the extortion threats she received during filming, and stood by her testimony in the face of continued threats, even though she had to go into hiding for a few months afterwords.  The press dubbed Zinta "The Only Man in Bollywood"; she hates the nickname because it implies that courage is an exclusively masculine trait, but it is certainly punchy.

But while the real world drama is interesting, we're really here for the movie.

The Malhotra family is one of the happy, loving extended families that popped up all the time in films around the turn of the century.  Wealthy patriarch Kailashnath (Amrish Puri) has retired, leaving business matter sin the hands of his son Ranjit (Dalip Tahil), while daughter in law Asha (Farida Jalal) manages the household and Pappu (Johny Lever), orphaned son of Kailishnath's old partner, provides comic relief.  Kailashnath has one dream: he wants a great grandson, and he's expecting grandson Raj (Salman Khan) to get married and provide one right away.

Raj does not want to get married, at least until he goes to a friend's wedding and meets Priya (Rani Mukherji), who completely takes over the celebration as only a character played by Rani Mukherji can, complete with a banging musical number.  Raj is smitten, and after some humorous misunderstandings, Raj and Priya are married, Priya joins the happy and loving extended family, and she's soon carrying the Malhotra heir.

And then tragedy strikes.  There's an accident, and Priya suffers a miscarriage.  the family (and especially Kailashnath) all try to comfort her by telling her that she'll be pregnant again soon.  What they don't know, but Raja and Priya do, is that the accident has rendered her infertile.  The promised Malhotra heir is not coming, but the family keeps pressuring them anyway, and the family doctor (Prem Chopra) is convinced that Kailashnath will have a heart attack if he finds out the truth.

Raj sensibly suggests that they go overseas and adopt a child, but Priya knows that Kailashnath is hoping for a great grandson that looks like Raj; it has to be Raj's child.  She reads an article about surrogacy, but the family is so well known that any attempt at artificial insemination would be discovered.  Priya has a simple (and terrible) plan: find a woman who will join them in Switzerland for a year and make a baby with Raj the old fashioned way.

Raj is in charge of finding a volunteer, and he's terrible at it.  His luck changes on a business trip, when he accidentally picks up a sex worker who hears his story and suggests a local bar dancer named Madhubala (Preity Zinta).  Madhubala is brash and spunky, and when she first appears on screen she's wearing a pink cowboy hat which is helpfully labelled "Sexy."

And then the movie becomes Pretty Woman for a while.  Madhubala, now "Madhu," learns how to dress and talk in order to pass in high society, and she forms a cautious friendship with Raj, especially after he comes to her aid when a snooty store manager throws her out.  Raj remains a perfect gentleman, though; Priya hasn't approved of Madhu yet, and he's been reluctant to cheat on his wife all along, no matter how baby hungry everyone else is.

Priya does approve, and the trio set off for romantic Switzerland.  After some careful maneuvering by Priya Raj and Madhu manage to complete their mission, and the three settle into a happy domestic life together, but there's trouble ahead.  Raj and Priya continue to treat Madhu with respect and value her as a person, and Madhu is starting to lose her professional detachment.  Before the situation can develop into a full-blown Archie-style love triangle Raj's family show up unannounced, and after the expected sitcom shenanigans they start treating Madhu with respect and valuing her as a person as well.  Everyone is happy but there are multiple shoes waiting to drop, and it is all going to end in tears.

First things first.  The plot is silly.  Surrogacy is a good idea in the Malhotra's situation, but Priya insists on going about it in the most emotionally complicated way possible.  They don't discuss anything with the rest of the family, ostensibly because of Kailashnath's allegedly weak heart, but mostly in order to create maximum opportunities for melodrama.  

On the other hand, it's a great cast, and they commit to the bit.  Rani Mukherji is always great, and the relationship between Priya and Madhu is complicated but feels real and valuable.  

However, as good as the cast is, everything rides on Preity Zinta's shoulders.  It has to, because Madhubala is the only character with an actual emotional arc, and everyone's happy ending depends on her choices.  I am happy to report that Preity Zinta rises to the challenge; she's the hero of the movie in more ways than one.

It's a jolly holiday with Rani.

 Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic (2008) opens with a montage of tragedies befalling young Ranbeer Talwar (Yash Belani).  His only friend moves away, his mother dies, he's sent to a boarding school, and the only teacher who bothers to build a connection with the intensely lonely boy is transferred away.  It's an Ebenezer Scrooge origin story, and sure enough the adult Ranbeer (Saif Ali Khan) is driven, competitive, cynical, and more than a little misanthropic.  After winning a major business award, he takes the trophy and stalks off without a word.  On the drive home he looks at his phone for a moment and runs into another car, killing a young couple.  Ranbeer is horrified, and quietly waits for the police.

A year later, Ranbeer arrives at the courthouse for his sentencing, with his self-centered socialite girlfriend Malaika (Ameesha Patel) in tow.  The judge (Sharat Saxena) reminds the courtroom that the real victims of the case are the couple's four orphaned children, and sentences Ranbeer to parenthood; he has to give the children a home and take proper care of them, and if at the end of a month the children have any complaints against him then he'll be sent to prison for twenty years.  This seems needlessly cruel to both Ranbeer and the children, and it would be kinder just to send him straight to prison, but that is the premise of the movie.

And then the movie introduces the kids: responsible but angry older brother Vashisht, level-headed and tough sister Aditi (Shriya Sharma), adopted brother and Sikh Iqbal (Rachit Sidana), and adorable little sister Avantika (Ayushi Burman).  There's also a dog, because the kids are loosely modeled on Enid Blyton's Famous Five.  (Young Ranbeer's teacher gives him a copy of Five Go Off in a Caravan during the opening montage, which is kind of a tell.)  The kids are not okay; they are sad and angry and determined to stay together, driving all of their well-meaning adult relatives away with a series of pranks.  This is their chance to punish Ranbeer, and they intend to take it.

The first day goes really badly for everyone, and things don't improve.  Soon everyone is praying for help.  Fortunately, God is played by Rishi Kapoor in jocular and avuncular mode, and He sends help in the form of Geeta (Rani Mukherji), the naughtiest angel in heaven, who takes a job as the nanny for the family, because this is actually Bollywood Mary Poppins.

I say Mary Poppins, but it's really Bollywood Nanny McPhee, mixed with a bit of the police drama/family film One 2 Ka 4.  The children try to drive Geeta away with pranks, all of which backfire because she's secretly an angel. She wins them over by taking their side against Ranbeer, but she also encourages Ranbeer to think about things from the children's perspective.  

There are magical shenanigans, including a birthday trip to the museum which turns into an adventure through time and space (including a battle on the India-Pakistan border, because clearly these children have not been traumatized enough) and things start to get better.  One by one the children start to see Ranbeer as a flawed man who made a horrible mistake and is trying his best to make amends, rather than as a monster.  Malaika leaves after her sexy dance number during her birthday party is spoiled by tiny CGI sea animals, explaining to Ranbeer that she just can't handle the kids.  Ranbeer stands up for the kids during a business trip to Los Angeles, and they all realize that they have become a family.  This means that Geeta's work is done, and it's time to return to Heaven.

But you can't build a family from the outside.  The children have grown to love Geeta, and she's grown to love them as well.  And because this is Bollywood, Ranbeer has fallen for her; he makes his best pitch in the form of a song, and Geeta is overwhelmed and runs away.  The new family goes to look for her, and wind up in a church, asking God for one last miracle.

This is kind of a weird movie.  Tone is an issue, as the film switches from trauma to wacky pranks to magical hijinks to heartwarming family drama at the drop of a Handbag of Holding.  Malaika's dance number is surprisingly spicy for a children's movie, and I would say that the movie's metaphysics are lifted from The Good Place, except that the show came out eight years later.  (Still, Jeremy Bearimy.)  And it seems like the entire special effects budget is blown on Geeta's introductory song.

Despite all that, though, I can't help but love the movie, and that's largely due to the cast.  Saif Ali Khan dances neatly between comedy and drama, Rani is always delightful, and even the child actors are good, particularly Akshat Chopra as Vashisht, who manages to pack a lot of rage into a sunny children's fantasy. 

Archie Month: Kuch Kuch Hota Hai revisited.

 Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (1998) opens with a death, which is an unusual choice for a romantic movie.  Tina (Rani Mukherji) succumbs to a fatal case of Bollywood Mystery Disease shortly after giving birth, leaving behind her grieving husband Rahul (Shah Rukh Khan), her newborn daughter Anjali, and a stack of eight letters, one for each of Anjali's first eight birthdays.  (And you may be wondering what a one year old is going to do with a letter, but I can assure you, this plot is going to get weirder.)

Eight years pass.  Rahul is a successful businessman, living with his mother (Farida Jalal) and Anjali (Sana Saeed) who is spunky, TV obsessed, and devoted to her dad.  They're mostly happy, but something is definitely missing, and Anjali feels her mother's absence keenly.  Still, it's her birthday, and she has one more letter to look forward to.  She opens it and discovers an extended flashback!

Tina writes about Rahul's college days at St. Xaviers, the Bollywoodest of Bollywood colleges, complete with quirky teachers, a cheer-leading squad, and intercollegiate music competitions complete with hand painted signs.  Young Rahul is . . . kind of a jerk, honestly.  He's a smug aspiring ladies man who wears a chain with the word "Cool" on it.  However, he has a best friend, tomboy Anjali Sharma (Kajol), and she keeps him somewhat grounded.  (Cut to Little Anjali looking surprised at the namesake she's never heard of.)

Rahul and Anjali are very close, though they fight a lot, especially after Anjali inevitably beats Rahul at basketball.  The other students at the college are weirdly invested in their friendship, though, and will perform a spontaneous musical number in order to get them to make up.  And then Tina appears.  Tina Malhotra, that is, Oxford educated and drop dead gorgeous daughter of the college principal (Anupam Kher), who has transferred to St. Xaviers as a favor to her father.

Rahul is immediately captivated by Tina, and tries being an enormous jackass in order to win her heart.  When that completely fails, he tries a different tack, announcing to a classroom that "Love is Friendship," that friendship is absolutely necessary for any romantic relationship to work.  That gets Tina's attention,and when he asks her to be his friend she says yes.  Unfortunately, his declaration also gets Anjali's attention, and she starts wondering if her feelings for Rahul aren't so platonic after all.  The Archie romantic triangle is in place.

Unfortunately for Anjali, it isn't much of a contest.  She's an awkward tomboy with no experience in matters of the heart, and her attempts to dress up and look pretty like Tina lead to humiliating failure.  Tina, on the other hand, is glamorous, worldly, and has a keen emotional intelligence that Rahul and Anjali both lack.  Tina suspects that there's more to Rahul and Anjali's relationship than just friendship, and she tries to talk to Anjali about it before seriously pursuing a relationship.  Even after Anjali's vague denials, she still feels that she's an interloper, but Rahul has no such doubts, and confesses his love.  Anjali is heartbroken, and after an emotional farewell to Rahul and Tina she leaves college and they never see her again.

Tina ends her story by saying that she knows Rahul is lonely now, and that she still feels terrible about coming between them, so she charges Little Anjali to find Big Anjali and finally reunite her with Rahul, which seems like a lot of pressure to put on an eight year old; she immediately recruits her grandparents to help, but it might have been better for Tina to ask her father in the first place rather than waiting eight years for her daughter to develop sufficient reading comprehension.  

Big Anjali, meanwhile, is older, more confident, and wears saris rather than gym gear.  She's engaged to Aman (Salman Khan), a businessman who is handsome, charming, sort of annoying, and utterly besotted with her.  Her mother (Reema Lagoo) has doubts; she knows that Anjali never got over Rahul, and that she isn't really in love with Aman, but Anjali is determined to go through with the wedding.  Thanks to literal divine intervention the actual marriage is delayed until December, so she goes to work at a summer camp in Shimla, run by the cheerful but buffoonish and Britain-obsessed Colonel Almeida (Johny Lever.)

Little Anjali learns about the summer camp by calling her namesake and listening silently until she hears something useful.  She and her grandmother enroll in the camp, the Anjalis meet and bond, and then the older Anjali discovers just who her new student is, and what happened to her friend Tina.  Then Little Anjali activates Phase II of her plan, calling her father and pretending to be sick so that he'll rush to the camp.  He rushes to the camp, sees both Anjalis together, and completely fumbles the reunion.  Little Anjali and her co-conspirators do their best to push the two together, old feelings resurface, new feelings start to boil over, and the pair are just about to confess their mutual love when Aman returns.

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai was writer/director Karan Johar's first movie, and the first step in his examination of increasingly transgressive love stories.  However, Rahul and Anjali are really not that transgressive; he's a widower and she's engaged to another man, but widowed men remarry all the time in Bollywood, and even Aman knows that she's just not that into him.  It's not like there's family pressure forcing Anjali to keep the engagement, either, since her mother clearly has doubts about the whole situation.  Everything could be resolved happily with five minutes of honest conversation, but instead Rahul and Anjali suffer in silence up to the very last minute, inspiring the people around them to make what Pretentious Movie Reviews calls the "Wow, Such Values Face", marveling at their stoic but pointless sacrifice.

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai has been reexamined in recent years, and as a member of the Pretty In Pink generation I think that's healthy.  I don't agree with all of the criticism I've seen, but Rahul is kind of toxic at times, especially in his younger days, and the movie does stick to a very conservative idea of family structure, with Little Anjali needing a mother being one of the driving elements of the plot.  Rather than argue fine points, though, I will tell you why I think that Kuch Kuch Hota Hai is good, actually.

It goes back to Archie comics, which Karan Johar has said were a specific inspiration for the film.  For the Betty-Archie-Veronica triangle to really work, both of the potential love interests have to be viable choices; Pride and Prejudice doesn't fit the Archie model, for instance, because Darcy is good but stuffy while Wickham is charming but actually a monster.  More than that, like Betty and Veronica, Anjali and Tina are genuine friends, with a relationship that extends beyond Rahul.  When Anjali discovers the truth about Little Anjali, her first reaction is to take a moment to mourn her friend.

The plot is, of course, absolute nonsense, with a constellation of plot holes shining through the script.  But like many films of this era, the plot is just a vehicle for delivering emotions, and emotions abound.  Even at this early stage of his career, Karan Johar has a real knack for writing characters, and the actors chosen to play those characters are fantastic.  Kajol is the real standout here, conveying volumes of meaning just through facial expression; you can literally highlight the exact second when her heart breaks, in the middle of a joyous dance number, without a word being spoken.

The movie is a mess, but it's a wonderful mess.  Just don't take it as a guide to healthy relationships.