Maximum drama.

Story time.  Chori Chori Chupke Chupke (2001) was supposed to premier in December of 2000, but the release was delayed for several months when financier Bharat Shah and producer Nazim Rizvi were arrested for funneling money from organized crime, and particularly the infamous crime lord Chotta Shakeel, into the Bollywood film industry.  The trial lasted for over a year, and a number of Bollywood luminaries such as Salman Khan and Shah Rukh Khan were scheduled to testify for the prosecution, but they all recanted their testimony after a barrage of threats.

All except one, that is.  Rising star Preity Zinta, then best known for her dimple and bubbly persona, testified about the extortion threats she received during filming, and stood by her testimony in the face of continued threats, even though she had to go into hiding for a few months afterwords.  The press dubbed Zinta "The Only Man in Bollywood"; she hates the nickname because it implies that courage is an exclusively masculine trait, but it is certainly punchy.

But while the real world drama is interesting, we're really here for the movie.

The Malhotra family is one of the happy, loving extended families that popped up all the time in films around the turn of the century.  Wealthy patriarch Kailashnath (Amrish Puri) has retired, leaving business matter sin the hands of his son Ranjit (Dalip Tahil), while daughter in law Asha (Farida Jalal) manages the household and Pappu (Johny Lever), orphaned son of Kailishnath's old partner, provides comic relief.  Kailashnath has one dream: he wants a great grandson, and he's expecting grandson Raj (Salman Khan) to get married and provide one right away.

Raj does not want to get married, at least until he goes to a friend's wedding and meets Priya (Rani Mukherji), who completely takes over the celebration as only a character played by Rani Mukherji can, complete with a banging musical number.  Raj is smitten, and after some humorous misunderstandings, Raj and Priya are married, Priya joins the happy and loving extended family, and she's soon carrying the Malhotra heir.

And then tragedy strikes.  There's an accident, and Priya suffers a miscarriage.  the family (and especially Kailashnath) all try to comfort her by telling her that she'll be pregnant again soon.  What they don't know, but Raja and Priya do, is that the accident has rendered her infertile.  The promised Malhotra heir is not coming, but the family keeps pressuring them anyway, and the family doctor (Prem Chopra) is convinced that Kailashnath will have a heart attack if he finds out the truth.

Raj sensibly suggests that they go overseas and adopt a child, but Priya knows that Kailashnath is hoping for a great grandson that looks like Raj; it has to be Raj's child.  She reads an article about surrogacy, but the family is so well known that any attempt at artificial insemination would be discovered.  Priya has a simple (and terrible) plan: find a woman who will join them in Switzerland for a year and make a baby with Raj the old fashioned way.

Raj is in charge of finding a volunteer, and he's terrible at it.  His luck changes on a business trip, when he accidentally picks up a sex worker who hears his story and suggests a local bar dancer named Madhubala (Preity Zinta).  Madhubala is brash and spunky, and when she first appears on screen she's wearing a pink cowboy hat which is helpfully labelled "Sexy."

And then the movie becomes Pretty Woman for a while.  Madhubala, now "Madhu," learns how to dress and talk in order to pass in high society, and she forms a cautious friendship with Raj, especially after he comes to her aid when a snooty store manager throws her out.  Raj remains a perfect gentleman, though; Priya hasn't approved of Madhu yet, and he's been reluctant to cheat on his wife all along, no matter how baby hungry everyone else is.

Priya does approve, and the trio set off for romantic Switzerland.  After some careful maneuvering by Priya Raj and Madhu manage to complete their mission, and the three settle into a happy domestic life together, but there's trouble ahead.  Raj and Priya continue to treat Madhu with respect and value her as a person, and Madhu is starting to lose her professional detachment.  Before the situation can develop into a full-blown Archie-style love triangle Raj's family show up unannounced, and after the expected sitcom shenanigans they start treating Madhu with respect and valuing her as a person as well.  Everyone is happy but there are multiple shoes waiting to drop, and it is all going to end in tears.

First things first.  The plot is silly.  Surrogacy is a good idea in the Malhotra's situation, but Priya insists on going about it in the most emotionally complicated way possible.  They don't discuss anything with the rest of the family, ostensibly because of Kailashnath's allegedly weak heart, but mostly in order to create maximum opportunities for melodrama.  

On the other hand, it's a great cast, and they commit to the bit.  Rani Mukherji is always great, and the relationship between Priya and Madhu is complicated but feels real and valuable.  

However, as good as the cast is, everything rides on Preity Zinta's shoulders.  It has to, because Madhubala is the only character with an actual emotional arc, and everyone's happy ending depends on her choices.  I am happy to report that Preity Zinta rises to the challenge; she's the hero of the movie in more ways than one.

Jaanemonth - Veer-Zaara

 It's common in Indian cinema for the titles of historical romances to be the names of the lead characters, without any pesky ampersands.  Examples include Bajirao Mastani, Jodhaa Akbar, and of course Veer-Zaara (2004), a movie set in the glamorous and distant past of 1982.

Prisoner 786 (Shah Rukh Khan) is an Indian man who has been confined to a prison in Pakistan for the last twenty two years.  Officially, his name is Rajesh Rathore, and shortly after being arrested, he signed a full confession and hasn't spoken a single word since.  Getting Prisoner 786 his freedom is the first case for newly minted lawyer Saamiya Siddiqui (Rani Mukherjee), and it already looks hopeless.  However, Saamiya does have one advantage: she knows that Prisoner 786 is really named Veer Pratap Singh.

After hearing his own name spoken after so long, Veer starts to speak.  First he talks about planes, and  his days as a rescue pilot for the Indian Air Force.  But Saamiya wants to hear the story of how Veer wound up in prison, and to tell that story, he has to start with Zaara.

Zaara Haayat Khan (Preity Zinta) is the daughter of the wealthy and respected Jehangir Haayat Khan (Boman Irani.)  She is young and carefree and convinced that nothing will ever change her, and she sings a song to that effect.  And then things start to change.  Her beloved governess Zahida (Zohra Sehgal) dies, and her last request is that Zaara take her ashes to Punjab and immerse them in the Sutlej River.  Zaara can't refuse, and she sneaks off to India, leaving her maid/sidekick Shabbo (Divya Dutta) to cover for her.

In India, Zaara's bus crashes, and she's rescued by handsome Indian Air Force rescue pilot Veer Pratap Singh.  She drops her bag during the rescue and insists on retrieving it; after they've made it to safety, Veer scolds her and stomps off.  That's not the end of the story, though; she bumps into him later, apologizes and explains that her bag contains Zahida's ashes, and Veer decides to help her on her journey so that he won't have to spend his life wondering what happened to that Pakistani girl.

After further delay and misadventure, Zaara succeeds in performing last rites for Zahida.  She asks Veer how she can ever repay him for his help, and he asks her for another day.  He takes her to his home village, introduces her to his aunt Saraswati (Hema Malini) and uncle Choudhary (Amitabh Bachchan), they celebrate Lohri, and everybody has a wonderful time and grows much closer.  It is really obvious to Choudhary that Veer loves Zaara, and he urges the younger man to confess his feelings before it's too late.

The next day, it's time for Zaara to return home to Pakistan.  Veer takes her to the train station, but before he can confess his love, they are met by Zaara's fiance, Raza (manoj Bajpal) and she quickly explains that her marriage has already been arranged.  Veer confesses his love anyway, but makes it absolutely clear that he doesn't intend to interfere with her wedding, and he goes away.

Of course Zaara loves Veer as well, and after she returns home she starts feeling his presence everywhere she looks; once again, there's a whole song about it. Shabbo can't stand to see her falling apart like this,. so she quietly contacts Veer.  He promptly leaves the Air Force (since an active officer can't visit Pakistan), crosses the border, and appears at one of the pre-wedding ceremonies.  Zaara runs to embrace him, while her husband collapses from shock.  Normally, that would be the end of the movie, but Veer-Zaara is three hours long, and there's a lot of crying still to come.

Zaara's mother Mariyam (Kirron Kher) approaches Veer and asks him to leave in order to save her husband's life (and political career, but she doesn't dwell on that.)  Veer is a noble soul, and agrees.  He talks to Zaara, and they decide to go their separate ways, live the best lives possible, and just keep loving one another hopelessly forever.  

They part, but when Veer boards the bus to take him back to India, he's arrested as a spy and dragged off to jail.  There Raza shows up to gloat, and tells Veeer that if Veer signs the confession, he'll ensure that Zaara has a blissfully happy life, but if Veer doesn't sign, he'll do everything possible to make her life hell.

Veer signs without hesitation, and becomes Prisoner 786.  The bus he was supposed to be on drives off a cliff, leaving no survivors, so as far as the world knows, Veer Pratap Singh no longer exists.  In the present Saamiya tries to convince Veer to let her get Zaara to testify, but he is a man of his word and won't do anything to risk her happiness.  Saamiya knows the case is probably lost without Zaara, but Veer is stubborn, so instead she travels to India, hoping to find someone from his village who can identify him.  She is not prepared for what she finds there.

Raza is terrible, but the real villain of Veer-Zaara is . . . okay, the real villain is still Raza.  He's the absolute worst, and he stands out even more because nearly all the other characters are so nice.  But the other real villain of Veer-Zaara is the border itself; one of the key themes of the film is that the only thing that really separates Pakistan's Punjab from India's Punjab is the border itself.  The land looks the same on both sides of the border, and the people share a culture and values, but that line on the map is enough to let Raza destroy a man's life out of spite.

One of the advertising taglines for Veer-Zaara was "A New Love Legend," and the film is definitely pitched as "grand, sweeping romantic drama."  It mostly succeeds, do ion large part to the cast; Shah Rukh is in his element here, showcasing goofy charm and teary nobility.  Preity made her name as the bubbly carefree love interest, and Zaara gives her the chance to transition form that to very much not that.  And Rani Mukherji is here to show sincerity and marvel at the noble spirits of the star-crossed lovers, and she sells sincere marveling completely.

That's not to say the movie is perfect. The script is suitably epic, but some of the plotting gets a bit muddled; the biggest unexplained plot hole is just how Saamiya knew Veer's name in the first place.  Also, the old age makeup used for present day Veer and Zaara is a bit distracting, especially since both characters are in their mid-forties at most.  But these are tiny issues.  Veer-Zaara promises grand romance, and it keeps its promises.

Jaanemonth: Dil Chahta Hai

 On June 12, 2003, Turner Classic Movies continued its "Hooray for Bollywood" marathon, and I was . . . not really paying attention, honestly.  The movies looked interesting, but subtitles can be hard to follow if you're not used to them.  And then, in the middle of Dil Chahta Hai (2001), they played a song.  It was a pitch perfect skewering of romantic tropes while simultaneously being frothy, fun and sincere.  It was a love song that included the line "I think you are deluded."  And it ended with a sudden crumbling of the fourth wall, and suddenly I was paying very close close attention indeed.  Twenty years later, here we are.

Dil Chahta Hai unfolds as a series of flashbacks.  In the framing story, Sid (Akshaye Khanna) reunites with his old friend Sameer (Saif Ali Khan) at the hospital, after a sudden, tragic, and as yet undisclosed event.  They talk about their mutual friend Akash, whom Sid is certain will not be coming, and reminisce about days gone by, starting with their college graduation party.

At the party Sameer quickly establishes himself as the hopeless romantic, currently besotted by his controlling girlfriend Priya (Suchitra Pillai).  Akash is smooth, kind of a jerk, and doesn't believe in love.  He's currently being pursued by Deepa (Samantha Tremayne), but he doesn't take her seriously.  And Sid is the sensitive artist who ignores the drama going on around him because he's busy sketching a girl he spotted across the room.  

After a frenetic song and dance about how they're young and carefree and nothing is ever going to change them, Akash makes his move on the mystery girl, who turns out to be named Shalini (Preity Zinta.)  Turns out he's not as charming as he thinks he is, and he winds up getting punched by Shalini's fiance Rohit (Ayub Khan.)  

Priya is horrified by Akash's behavior (fair!) and demands that Sameer never speaks to him again (less fair!).  Things don't work out the way she planned, however, and after the breakup Sameer joins Sid and Akash on a road trip to Goa.  It's one of the most beloved and iconic sequences in the movie, but very little actually happens, apart from some foreshadowing about life taking the friends in different directions and Sid giving Deepa some very good advice.

After the road trip, life starts taking the guys in different directions.  Sid's art career begins to take off.  At the same time, he finds himself drawn to his new neighbor Tara (Dimple Kapadia), who is beautiful, troubled, divorced, and a good fifteen years older than he is.  He has no intention of pursuing a relationship, but he does tell Sameer and Akash about his feelings.  It doesn't go well.  Akash makes a very inappropriate joke, Sid punches him, and that leg of the friendship triangle is basically gone.  Sid leaves for an artist's retreat soon after.

Akash is sent to manage the family business in Sydney, and on the plane he's seated next to Shalini, who's off to visit her uncle Mahesh (Rajaat kapoor).  Akash apologizes for his behavior at the party, and by the time the plane lands they're friends.  They spend a lot of time together, much to Rohit's dismay, but he's in still in India and can't really interfere.  Akash is still his cynical self, but Shalini is a romantic, despite (or perhaps because of) her impending loveless marriage, and so she dedicates herself to convincing Akash that love is a thing that exists.  They even debate the issue in song.

And Sameer has been left alone all this time, which is usually a recipe for trouble.  His parents try to arrange a marriage for him with Pooja (Sonali Kulkarni), but but while Sameer is instantly smitten (as usual), she's got a boyfriend, so Sameer becomes her friend instead.  He's still carrying a torch, and there's definitely a spark there, but when he tries to confess his feelings, she doesn't take him seriously . . . until they go to a movie and watch a certain life-changing musical number.

Meanwhile in Australia, Shalini demonstrates her thesis by taking Akash to the opera, explaining the plot, and when Troilus stands at the gates of heaven begging to be allowed one last moment with Cressida, she asks Akash to close his eyes and picture the one person he would give up everything for.  He does, and spoiler: It's Shalini.

Of course, when they're walking home from the opera and Shalini asks him who he saw, Akash can't resist making a joke out of it, spoiling his one perfect chance.  And that's when Rohit appears.  Akash tries to be graceful, and doesn't stand in the way as Rohit and Shalini return to India.  But Akash is utterly miserable, and it's clear that the situation is not going to resolve itself for him; this is a Bollywood movie, and he's got a wedding to crash.

Dil Chahta Hai was a moderate success during its initial run in the theaters; young urban people loved the movie, but it didn't do well in the villages.  However, the critics adored the film, and it quickly became one of the most influential films in Bollywood history.  The production values were a step up form the industry standard of the time, but the real innovation was the dialogue.  Writer-director Farhan Akhtar worked very hard to ensure that his young Mumbai-dwelling characters spoke like real young people who live in Mumbai, and as a consequence the acting was more naturalistic than the melodramatic filmi standard.

While the new and slick style changed the industry and launched a fleet of imitators, though, it's the movie's heart that really makes it work.  Sameer's plotline is a little underdeveloped compared to the others, but all three romances work, because they all grow naturally.  It's no coincidence that all three plotlines feature the respective couples starting out as friends, and love doesn't come for free to anyone.  Both Shalini and Sid argue at various points that love is something that happens rather than something you choose, but in each case love is something you have to work at if you want it to succeed.  And as it turns out, maintaining and reviving friendships takes work, too.

With all that, though, Dil Chahta Hai feels effortless.  It shifts between clever and naturalistic dialogue and the world's most filmi musical number and it makes the shift look easy.  It's not a perfect film, but even after twenty years, it still feels fresh.  I am still paying attention.

 

Superman versus the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants

 Krrish 3 (2013) is the sequel to Krrish, which is the sequel to Koi . . . Mil Gaya.  It's an odd way to build a superhero franchise, because Koi . . . Mil Gaya is not a superhero movie, it's a Bollywood spin on ET mixed with Flowers For Algernon; friendly alien Jadoo gives bullied and developmentally disabled Rohit Mehra (Hrithik Roshan) advanced physical and mental powers, enabling him to save the day, get the girl (Preity Zinta), and earn his happy ending.  Then, between movies, Rohit is kidnapped by Bollywood Lex Luthor Siddhant Arya (Naseeruddin Shah), and his wife dies of grief.  Fortunately, in the next movie Rohit's son Krishna (also Hrithik Roshan) becomes the superhero Krrish (which is still one of the lazier superhero names since Blackagar Boltagon started calling himself Black Bolt), rescues Rohit, and defeats Doctor Arya's future-predicting supercomputer.

Now, Rohit is a respected scientist working for the Indian Research Institute, and Krishna is married to plucky reporter Priya (Priyanka Chopra).  Krishna can't manage to hold a job, because he's always rushing off to save the day as Krrish.  However, Priya is expecting their first child, and the little family is absurdly happy and frankly adorable.

Meanwhile, quadriplegic and telekinetic scientist Kaal (Vivek Oberoi) has created a team of mutants enhanced with animal DNA.  There are a lot of them, including Ant Man, Rhino Man, and Scorpion Woman, but the important ones are Striker (Gowhar Khan), a dangerous brawler with a prehensile tongue, and Kaya (Kangana Renaut), whose chameleon DNA gives her the power to be Msytique.

But mutant making is only one of Kaal's interests.  He also creates viruses, releases them on unsuspecting cities, and then, as the head of Kaal Pharmaceuticals, he sells the cure for an absurd amount of money.  (And I have to say, this particular plotline hits differently in 2021 than it did in 2013.)

During the first part of the movie, the forces of good and evil don't really interact.  Kaal stays in his evil lair, making mutants, unleashing plagues, and gnawing on the scenery.  Rohit tinkers unsuccessfully with a device to replicate Jadoo's power to channel sunlight into lifegiving energy (and what are the odds of something like that paying off before the end of the movie?), and Krishna divides his time between hanging out with his family and saving people from various disasters, along the way inspiring a movement by telling a boy he's rescued that "Anyone who takes away tears and spreads happiness is Krrish."  It's a lot like the Shatktimaan Friends Club, only with more foreshadowing.

And then Kaal unleashes his latest virus on Mumbai.  Krrish does what he can, but this is a problem that he can't solve, even with superpowers.  But Rohit can; he notices that Krrish is seemingly immune to the virus, so he uses Krishna's blood to create a cure rather than wait for Kaal Pharmaceuticals.  Kaal is both furious and confused; both the virus and the cure are based on his own DNA, so how could anyone else make a cure?  He decides that it is, finally, time to unleash the mutants.

This is not the most original movie ever made.  Kaal's mutants are blatantly lifted from the X-Men movies, and while Kaal is no Magneto, he does seem to use his telekinesis to movie metal objects almost exclusively.  Meanwhile, Krrish is faster than a speeding bullet, stronger than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, though he combines the Superman power set with Peter Parker's career aptitude, and during one fight scene he duplicates Shaktimaan's trademark spin.

Original or not, though, Krrish 3 is a remarkably efficient distillation of my favorite superhero tropes.  Yes, there are amazing action scenes, but Krrish doesn't just fight bad guys and brood on rooftops.  He save people.  He inspires people.  (I am an absolute sucker for a good "I am Spartacus"/ordinary citizens standing up to the supervillain scene, and this movie has a great one.)  And he does it without ever losing sight of the people who love him.  This is "Stuff That I Love About Superheroes: The Motion Picture."

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna

Writer/director Karan Johar is either becoming more of a cynic or more of a romantic, and I’m really not sure which. Either way, Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (2006) continues Johar’s examination of the boundaries of love. In Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, the boundaries are self imposed; Rahul is a widower who believes one can only love (and marry) once, while Anjali is engaged to someone else. In Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, the lovers have to cross boundaries of class and religion, and face familial opposition. In Kal Ho Naa Ho, Naina loves one man, and is forced by circumstances to marry another. KANK continues the theme of transgressive love by presenting star crossed lovers who are married to other people. In a Hollywood movie, this would be no big deal, but within the moral universe of Bollywood, it’s a daring move.

For rising soccer star Dev Saran (Shahrukh Khan), love is certainly not friendship. (This movie takes place in New York City, in that strange alternate dimension where Oxford University is in London, men’s soccer is a major US sport, and everybody is played by Shahrukh Khan.) He’s married to Rhea (Priety Zinta), an old friend from college, and the cracks in the relationship are already beginning to show; both are growing increasingly focused on their respective careers. Still, when he meets Maya (Rani Mukherjee), a reluctant bride wondering whether to go through with her own marriage to childhood friend Rishi (Abhishek Bachchan), he advises her to go ahead with it. He tells her that while she doesn’t really love Rishi, it’s better to marry now then wait for a love that she may not find, and that love won’t find her after marriage unless she goes looking for it. She’s convinced and goes inside to get married, while Dev is promptly hit by a car.

Four years later, Dev is a children’s soccer coach with a bad leg and a worse attitude. He’s the kind of coach who motivates his charges by shouting at them. He’s particularly nasty to his son Arjun (who plays soccer badly and really only wants to play the violin) but Dev is thoroughly unpleasant to everyone he meets. Rhea now runs a fashion magazine called Diva, and while she’s able to provide a very comfortable life for Dev, Arjun, and Dev’s mother Kamaljit (Kiron Kher), the disparity in incomes adds another layer of conflict to an already strained marriage.

The relationship between Maya and Rishi is also strained. He’s a bit of a slob, while she’s a neat freak bordering on obsessive compulsive disorder. More seriously, she doesn’t like him to touch her; naturally, Rishi is a bit frustrated.

Dev and Maya meet again by chance. I won’t get into details; the entire “Black Beast” subplot is goofy, and not in a good way. What’s important is that they meet, and make a bad impression. They cross paths again at a party Rishi’s publicity company is throwing for his father Sam (Amitabh Bachchan), and this time they realize that if nothing else, they share a dislike of big musical numbers. Fate keeps throwing them together, and they finally decide that they may as well become friends.

Thew evolving relationship between the two is handled very well. They really have a lot in common. (Maya is just as serious about keeping the world at arms length as Dev is, she’s just more polite about it.) Initially, the pair give each other advice with their respective marriages. None of their plans work out, and after a particularly unfortunate evening the pair meet up at a train station, and finally realize that they love each other. It’s a nice scene, featuring the most romantic line in the film: “I like blue.”

Dev and Maya drift into an emotional affair. Rhea and Rishi, meanwhile, rededicate themselves to making their marriages work. Unlike Dev and Maya their plans involve communicating with their spouses, so they meet with considerably more success. Both marriages suddenly have a fighting chance, but Dev and Maya start getting jealous, and so it is then and only then that they decide to sleep together. 

I like Karan Johar.He’s a very good writer, and has a fantastic ear for dialogue. KANK is no exception; the dialogue positively sparkles at times. (”I like blue,” indeed.) Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna is an interesting examination of his usual films; I was particularly struck by the fact that in all his movies, the lovers need an outside push before they can be united. Production values are high. The cast does quite well with some very heavy material. Dev, in particular, is a far cry from Shahrukh’s usual persona.

The problem is that I like Shahrukh’s usual persona. I don’t like Dev. Most of the main characters in this movie are varying degrees of unpleasant; Kamaljit is a virtuous Bollywood mother, and while Sam is a bit of a lad he gives good advice and his heart is clearly in the right place, but the rest? I often end reviews by essentially saying, “This is a terrible movie, but I enjoyed it.” Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna is the flipside of this; it’s a very good movie, probably, but I didn’t like it.

*Heavy sigh.*

Jaan-E-Mann: Let's Fall in Love . . . Again (2006) is every bit as subtle as the subtitle implies.  It's a deliberate throwback to the romantic comedies of the mid-Nineties, with gratuitous special effects, choreography by Farah Khan, and an excellent cast (including Preity Zinta, the human Incarnation of Adorableness), and these are all things which I love, so this movie should make me fall in love . . .  again.  And yet, I have not fallen in love . . . again.

Salman Khan plays Suhaan Kapoor, a struggling actor, and the reason he's struggling is that he absolutely refuses to take any role that isn't the lead, and is also kind of a low-key jerk most of the time.  He does have at least one friend, though - his uncle, Boney Kapoor (Anupam Kher), who is . . . . sigh.  Boney is supposed to be a little person, and since Kher is not a little person, they create the illusion by having Kher walk around on his knees.  It is exactly as embarrassing as it sounds.

Suhaan used to be married to Piya (Preity Zinta), but as a convenient song/flashback helpfully explains, when he got his big break, the director was horrified to discover that he had cast a married actor and threatened to fire Suhaan unless he agreed to stay away from his wife until the film's release.  The film finally came out and was a massive flop, and when Suhaan Finally returned home, Piya was gone.  He tried for months to contact her, but in the end the only reply he received was divorce papers.

Suhaan owes Piya a great deal of alimony, and he has no money to pay it (since again, struggling actor who refuses to take any role which is not the lead despite the fact that his one starring role was a box office disaster) but just when things are looking bleak, Agastya Rao (Akshay Kumar) arrives.  Agastya was desperately in love with Piya in college, but she never really noticed him.  Still Agastya, who is now an astronaut, which is important to the framing story and the genuinely terrible final twist but doesn't really play into the main plot of the movie at all, has traveled all the way to India to see her again, only to find Suhaan, instead.  Agastya doesn't realize that Suhaan is the ex-husband, and this gives Boney an idea: if Agastya marries Piya, then Suhaan won't owe her any alimony anymore.

Agastya flies to New York to find Piya, and Suhaan accompanies him as his wingman; it's like Cyrano de Bergerac if Cyrano were a creepy, manipulative jerk.  They rent the apartment directly across from Piya, and set up a powerful telescope to spy on her 24-7, and the movie never, ever calls them out on this outrageous invasion of privacy.  A friendly cafe owner who is also played by Anupam Kher gives them a pair of walkie-talkie earpieces, and thus equipped Agastya makes contact, while Suhaan lurks nearby in a variety of stupid disguises.

First surprise - Piya remembers Agastya.  In fact, she remembers him fondly, and knows that he was in love with someone at college, and left when his heart was broken. Agastya uses Suhaan's knowledge of Piya to insert himself into her life.  So far she clearly thinks of him as a friend, but things are going well, so well that Suhaan is having doubts.

(I will give the movie credit for this: Piya in person is a different, kinder, and more empathetic person than Piya in the flashbacks.  It's clear that both Suhaan and Agastya are remembering her in the context of their own romantic disappointments, rather than as an actual person with agency who is free to love or not love anybody she chooses.  And now I am done giving the movie credit for things.) 

Suhaan's doubts increase thanks to the second surprise - Piya has a daughter.  His daughter.  Suddenly all bets are off.  Suhaan wants his wife and child back, so he goes off to get a job in order to be worthy of them.  Unfortunately, while he is doing this, Agastya and Piya visit her family, Agastya accidentally proposes, and her family pressures her into accepting.  Suhaan nobly sacrifices his love and leaves, which means it's up to Agastya to realize the true situation and arrange things so that husband and wife can finally fall in love . . . again.

I'll be honest.  I watched this movie because I have missed Preity Zinta, and she is genuinely delightful here, displaying her usual mix of bubbly charm and dramatic pathos.  She is not enough to save the movie, though; it's a jumbled mess that can't decide whether to be a David Dhawan style broad comic farce or a Karan Johar style tearjerker, so it tries to be both and fails utterly.

And then there's that final twist.  Normally I try not to spoil this kind of thing, but this movie is bad and I do not want you to watch it, so here it is.  Turn back if you don't want to know.

In the framing story, Agastya is on  a space station (astronaut, remember?), telling his blonde fellow astronaut about his friend Suhaan.  We do not see blonde astronaut's face.  At one point in the main story, Agastya tells Suhaan that it is a scientific fact that everybody in the world has six other people with the same face, and sure enough, at the end we finally see blonde astronaut's face, and yes, she's played by Preity Zinta.  And for some reason she's thrilled to discover that she's the Madelyne Pryor to Piya's Jean Grey, a second choice who only gets her man because she looks just like her man's lost love, and I roll my eyes so hard that they're still sore.

Bhooty Call - Om Shanti Om

Unlike most of this month's movies, Om Shanti Om (2007) is not a horror movie in any way, shape or form.  It's a masala flick, a heady mix of comedy, romance, reincarnation revenge melodrama, and enthusiastic celebration of all things Bollywood.  It makes the cut because it also features the rare Reverse Scooby Doo, in which our scrappy heroes fake a haunting in order to scare Old Man Mehra into confessing to a murder.

Om Prakash Makhija (Shahrukh Khan) is a "junior artist", an extra who makes his living through bavkground parts in the glsmourous world of 1970's Bollywood.  He has a loyal best friend, Pappu (Shreyas Talpade), a loving and overdramatic mother (Khiron Kher), and a dream.  One day he will be a big star, live in a big house, and get to meet Shanti (Deepika Padukone), the famous actress that he worships from afar. 

 Om gets the chance to meet Shanti sooner than he expected, when there's a fire on set and he leaps through the flames to rescue her.  She's grateful, and agrees to spend one evening with him.  With Pappu's help, he pulls out all the stops, and arranges a magical evening on an empty set.  Shanti is delighted, and they part as friends.

But Shanti has a secret; she's secretly married to producer Mukesh Mehra (Arjun Rampal).  When Om finds out, he's heartbroken, but lets her go and, after a sad song, throws himself into his acting.

Unfortunately, Mukesh also has a secret: he's engaged to another producer's daughter, and can't have Shanti around to spoil things.  She pleads with him to reconsider, but it goes badly.  Really badly.

Mukesh burns the set down with Shanti inside, then as he leaves sends some goons to make sure she doesn't escape.  Om turns up at just the right time, tries to save her, is beaten by the goons, burned, blown up, and then hit by a car.  he dies.

And thirty years later, Om Kapoor is a big star living in a big house.  Life is great, apart from his severe pyrophobia and the crazy old lady who keeps showing up at his film shoots claiming to be his mother. 

And then Om goes to a film shoot at an abandoned studio that burned down thirty years ago, and meets his father's old friend Mukesh, and the memories of his last life all come flooding back.  He tracks down his previous mother and Pappu, and they come up with a plan.  Om will recruit Mukesh to produce the film he abandoned thirty years ago, then they will use a duplicate Shanti to convince him he's being haunted, driving him to confess to her murder.  And soon enough they find their duplicate Shanti when clumsy, start struck Sandy (also Deepika Padukone) auditions for the lead.

Writer-director Farah Khan clearly loves Bollywood, and this movie is stuffed with all the things she loves about it.  In all my years of watching Bollywood, this is the Bollywoodest bit of Bollywood that I have ever witnessed.  And it is well made.  Khan made her name as a choreographer, and the dance numbers are frequent and lively and shot with a choreographer's eye; the last number recaps the entire plot so far in a splashy Broadway style number which doubles as an exemplar of "I know what you did and I'm gonna get ya" because she's Farah Khan, and she can do that. 

And then there's Shahrukh Khan.  Khan is a gifted actor, but he rarely has a chance to demonstrate that fact; people want to see his carefully crafted persona, and so that is what he delivers.  Fortunately, he's really, really good at delivering his carefully crafted persona, and Om Shanti Om was written to play to his strengths.  SRK deserves some special credit for the celebrity cameo-filled song "Deewangi Deewangi", which requires him to establish distinct relationships with thirty one different celebrities, all in the space of a few seconds each, while dancing.  He manages to communicate a lot through small gestures.

Om Shanti Om is packed with the things I love about late Nineties/early Oughts Bollywood, and manages to cram in most of my favorite actors in the bargain.  It's one Johny Lever cameo short of the full experience.

Dillagi

Rather than jump straight into my review of Dillagi, I’m going to take a moment and talk about two of the actresses.

First, Zohra Sehgal. Zohra’s had a very long film career, spanning from 1946 to the present day. Since most of the BW movies I’ve seen have been fairly recent, I have up until today only seen her in character parts as an aged relative. Still, even with the bit pasts, she’s distinctive enough that I can recognize her; my Mother and I had been calling her “everybody’s Grandmother” up until now. She’s actually got a fairly big part in Dillagi, which prompted me to investigate further, and I find that she’s rather effortlessly crossed between Hindi and Western movies and back over a span of decades, from a Yul Brynner film in 1967 to the recent Bend It Like Beckham. And if that weren’t cool enough, she also appeared in Doctor Who way back in ‘63. She’s a neat lady, and I’ll be keeping her in mind should I ever play “Six Degrees of Shah Rukh Khan.”

Now on to the heroine of tonight’s film, Urmila Matondkar. The first Bollywood movie I ever saw was a film called Rangeela. I was transfixed, and a large part of the reason why was Urmila’s luminous performance as a young aspiring actress who suddenly gets her big break. If it weren’t for that performance, i don’t know if I would be here talking about Bollywood at all.

Anyway. On to tonight’s picture. I’m not going to spend a lot of time setting up the plot, since Dillagi’s plot is actually relatively simple. Real life brothers Sunny and Bobby Deol play brothers Ranvir and Rajvir (or ‘Rocky’) respectively. Ranvir is the responsible one. After the death of their mother, he’s been taking care of his brother, but still found time to open the first of what he hopes will be a chain of hotels. Rocky is spoiled and irresponsible; he drinks, smokes, gets into fights, and toys with the hearts of the lovely young women at his college.

One of these young women is Shalini, played by Urmila. Shalini falls hard for Rocky, despite the best efforts of her cousin and his band of friends. Rocky plays along with her infatuation, but there are hints that he’s developing deep feelings for her as well. It’s hard to tell, though, since he’s just a jerk.
Ranvir, meanwhile, catches a glimpse of a beautiful woman walking down the street during a rainstorm, and it’s love at first sight. Later he encounters her again while escorting his grandmother (Zohra Sehgal) to a sangeet ceremony, and he’s even more in love. Grandmother sees his lovesickness, makes a few calls, and locates the girl’s family. Soon Ranvir is on his way to meet the lovely . . . Shalini. Yes, that Shalini.

Rocky is another good example of the moral nature of the universe in Bollywood films. While you catch the occasional glimpse potential goodness, for most of the film he’s a jerk. Eventually he suffers, and it’s clear that his suffering is a direct result of his previous jerkiness; in the end, he reforms, and is rewarded for his reformation. Maybe rewarded a little too generously, if you ask me. But there’s no doubt that the reformation is genuine.

And there’s not much more to say. Dillagi is really standard Bollywood fare. The plot is obviously inspired by Sabrina, but for once it’s very different from the film that inspired it. (One of these days I need to do an article about Bollywood palgiarisms I’ve seen.) Preity Zinta, my personal favorite actress, makes a quick cameo appearance as the “consolation prize” for the brother who fails to win Shalini. And the songs are good, though this was my first exposure to Bollywood musical plagiarism; I caught chunks of melody lifted from “Mony Mony” and “I Can’t Take My Eyes Off You”, and there may have been others.

Sweet, sweet subtitles

Tonight’s Bollywood feature was Soldier, not to be confused with the Kurt Russel sci-fi flick of the same name. This Soldier is 100% Indian, and there’s nary a garbage planet in sight. Instead, we have an old-fashioned revenge melodrama; three Indian military officers betray their country by raiding their own supply trucks at the behest of the mysterious D.K. After the heroic Major Malhotra discovers their treachery, they kill him. Eventually. (Malhotra manages to kick all three of their asses simultaneously, until D.K. shows up to finish them off.) Twenty years later, the three are successful arms dealers living in Australia, and wackiness ensues when a Mysterious Stranger (played by Indian action star Bobby Deol) enters their lives.

At this point, if you’ve ever seen an action movie in your life, you can pretty much guess what happens. The villains get their just deserts, the hero gets the girl (of course there’s a girl. I’ll get to her later.) With this sort of movie, what happens isn’t as important as how it happens, and there’s a certain fascination in watching Vicky (short for Vikram), the aforementioned Mysterious Stranger, worm his way into the lives of his targets. Plus, there’s singing, dancing, a shark attack, divine intervention, ninjas on horseback, and remarkably unconvincing fake vultures.

Speaking of the vultures, let me take a moment to talk about the Indian film censors. Long time Bollywood viewers know that kissing is very, very rare in Bollywood. To quote from the Bollywhat FAQ on the subject,

The censor board is notoriously unpredictable; no one wants to risk getting a rating that would scare away families. Also, Bollywood plays to a diverse range of people, from the illiterate and provincial to the worldly and urban. Ideas of morality differ widely from group to group. Why include a kiss when you can easily leave it out and avoid the risk of offending customers? Also, actresses don’t want to lose their conservative fans, nor do they want to endure salacious flak from journalists. So they’re not too keen on kissing on-screen, and many proudly trumpet their refusal to do it.

Soldier actually does feature an onscreen kiss, but it’s a kiss between two Australians, rather than our hero and heroine. In fact, the kiss inspires a long, rambling digression about what people do with their noses; the hero and heroine don’t know, and nor do any of the Indian passersby they ask. This movie features two men being eaten alive by fake vultures, but clearly kissing is right out.
As I mentioned earlier, there’s a girl. Not just any girl, mind you; it’s my personal favorite Bollywood actress, Preity Zinta, playing the daughter of one of the three villains. This was one of Preity’s first movies (she’s so new, they don’t even bother to give her character a different name; everybody just calls her Preity), and it’s clearly not her film. She has some nice comic material early on, though, and displays a little bit of the unrelenting charm that made her the star she is today.
Two final notes -

1) I had planned to start this mini-review thingie by saying that the movie in no way reminded me of Shakespeare. Unfortunately, that’s not true. The ubiquitous Johnny Lever shows up in a throwaway comic relief role as a man searching for his long lost twin, which is about as Shakespearean as one can get without speaking in blank verse. The payoff to this gag comes at the very end of the film, and it’s fairly subtle, especially for a gag involving Johnny Lever.

2) An addendum to the Evil Overlord List: “If I find myself in an Indian movie, I will not under any circumstances harm or allow any harm to come to the hero’s mother. They hate that.”