No pie, though.

Hatyara (1998) is a violent revenge melodrama, the kind of film that Shakespeare would write if he were working in Bollywood and had an obsession with backflips. In fact, the movie finally answers a question that has perplexed the literary community for years: “What if Titus Andronicus had an identical brother who was a bad-ass assassin?”

The assassin in question is Surya (Mithun Chakraborty), a hired killer who is so supremely confident that he keeps extra swords on his desk, just to give anyone who happens to drop by and try to kill him a sporting chance. It doesn’t work, of course; when you’re immediate response to someone shooting at you is to jump over the bullet, it will take more than a few extra swords to even the odds. It’s a lovely thought, though.

Surya may be tormented by the events of his tragic past, but he’s distinctly lacking in the “heart of gold” department. He’s willing to save a very recent widow from the goons sent by cartoonishly evil building magnate/crimelord Singhania (Mukesh Rishi), but he demands her mangalsutra in payment, and he doesn’t follow through; the widow gives the file of evidence that her husband died to assemble to Singhania’s police henchwoman, and soon Singhania is being assured that the widow is “where she should be.”

Singhania himself is a sort of budget Mogambo; he’s gleefully over the top and evil, but he’s tawdry and cheap, rather than grand. Rather than a robot and a pit of acid, he has the laser pointers of doom. Rather than Fu Manchu and Captain Zorro, he’s served by a deadly all female gymnastics team. And rather than become king of India, Singhania’s goal is to get his equally evil but considerably less competent younger brother Shishupal (Rami Reddy) through medical school.

This is harder than it sounds, because Shishupal just can’t seem to stop killing people. While throwing his latest victim, a fellow student who resisted his advances, off the roof of the college, he’s seen by Professor Kajal (Swati). While the police and the college administration are delighted to cover up the murder, Kajal won’t play ball, and instead stages a demonstration in front of the school to demand that justice is done. Singhania is not pleased, since a murder trial could damage his beloved brother’s reputation, so he threatens Kajal, who sweetly tells him to try that again when her husband is home.

Singhania is also interested in evicting the residents of a nearby slum, which houses Suman (Suman Ranganathan), friendly neighborhood extortionist who does have a heart of gold, along with an obsession with Surya and a gang which consists of a Dev Anand impersonator (Kishore Anand Bhanushali) and a little person who is also a Dev Anand impersonator. Surya happens to be staying in the slum, and drives Singhania’s goons away so that he can drink in peace. Singhania is impressed, and hires Surya to clear out the slum himself, but Surya doesn’t bother, and instead spends his time drinking and resisting Suman’s eager charms.

When Surya spots one of the slum residents casually abandoning his wife and son, the hitman is reminded of his own tragic past, and beats the man to a bloody pulp. The man dies, and Surya, shocked to discover that killing a perfect stranger because of your own inner demons is considered a crime, is dragged off to jail, only to be rescued by a mysterious stranger.

And suddenly, there is a plot! The mysterious stranger is Surya’s nearly identical half brother Mahendra (Mithun Chakraborty again), and the husband of Kajal (Remember her? College professor, witnessed a murder, was being threatened by the bad guy?) At first Surya wants to kill Mahendra and leave, not necessarily in that order, but his annoying niece convinces him to stay long enough for Mahendra to explain the situation: Kajal was raped and murdered by Singhania and his brother, and since Mahendra is a lawyer with a bad leg rather than a bullet dodging super assassin, he was helpless to stop him. He tried bringing the villains to justice through the legal system,. but they’re too powerful and the system is too corrupt. Now he wants them dead, and that’s where Surya comes in.

Hatyara isn’t a bad movie, it’s just not particularly good. It’s too heavy to be a fun action movie, and too over the top to be taken really seriously. The fight scenes are entertaining, but Surya is so hyper-skilled that there’s no dramatic tension because he’s never in any real danger. And while the idea of Surya disguising himself as his harmless older brother in order to get close to the villains is clever once, the movie does it three times, and expects it to be a surprise every time. It’s a time pass.