Pirate ghost!

Bhoot Unkle (2006) has a fantastic premise: One hundred years ago, a notorious pirate (Jackie Schroff) stole the statue of Shiva from a small village shrine. Fleeing an angry mob )which he really should have anticipated) he took refuge in the lighthouse, only to discover that for his crimes he’s been trapped, condemned to haunt the lighthouse until the statue is returned. In the present day, Shyam (Dev K. Kantawall), a plucky young orphan with problems of his own, stumbles into the lighthouse and . . . and at this point, you’re probably writing the movie in your head. Chances are, it’s pretty good. Unfortunately, I have to review the actual movie instead.

Shyam is not a happy kid. He loves with his petty, cruel, and self centered aunt (Rasika Joshi), her weak-willed, hen-pecked, but basically good-hearted husband (Anurag Prapan), and their spoiled, bullying son Deepak (Sagar).

It’s not all bad; Shyam has friends, most notably little person Tingu (K. K. Goswami), who I guess is supposed to be another child, despite the five o’clock shadow the sported by the actor. He also has a crush on Geeta (Sheena Bajaj), daughter of the new school principal, but shew is quickly pulled into the social circle of nasty spoiled rich kid SK (Jay Kanani) after Deepak frames Shyam for the theft of Geeta’s video game.

The video game incident sets off a short but nasty round of pranks. Shyam’s friend Shunti (Mandaar) throws himself a fake birthday party so that he can invite SK and his gang, and serve them punch spiked with powerful and fast acting laxatives. (This is allegedly hilarious. I am not convinced.) SK ups the ante by convincing his own father, MLA (Akhilendra Mishra) that Shyam broke into their home and stole a very expensive gold watch.

Unfortunately, MLA is not just a Member of the Legislative Assembly, he’s also the local gangster, with a thriving smuggling business, some well-armed thugs, and a penchant for throwing people off cliffs when they annoy him. After learning about the alleged theft, he rounds up his goons and heads off to Shyam’s house, intending to kill the boy. Shyam’s aunt is, of course, no help whatsoever, and Geeta (who has realized the error of her ways) can’t convince MLA of the truth, so Shyam has to run. he runs straight into the lighthouse.

We’re about an hour into the movie at this point, and everything is ready for the ghost to finally make an appearance. He doesn’t. Shyam falls asleep, and when he wakes up, it’s dark. After a few spooky special effects, he finds the missing statue, and takes it straight to the shrine. Since it’s now the middle of the night, the shrine is locked up, so Shyam decides to wait on the front steps until morning, and drifts off to sleep, having apparently forgotten about the men with guns who were chasing him a few hours ago.

The men with guns haven’t forgotten Shyam, however. They find him sleeping on the steps. MLA recognizes the statue, and takes it away to sell to some decadent western businessman who isn’t played by Bob Christo but really should be, and his men drag Shyam away and throw him off a cliff.
Shyam is saved at the last possible moment by the ghost (hooray!), who still doesn’t appear onscreen (boo!) - the boy is caught in a ring of glowing energy and safely lowered to the ground. Shyam goes straight home, because there’s no way the men who just tried to kill him and know where he lives would think of looking for him there! (The sad thing is, he’s right. They never do come looking for him; it’s like the professor in Mr. India who evaded the murderous Fu Manchu for years by staying in the same house and going to work at the same job every day.) He’s welcomed warmly by his uncle, and abused by his aunt, who sends him to wash the dishes. The still unseen ghost washes them in seconds, so the frustrated aunt sends Shyam to clean his room, and then, finally, with less than an hour of movie left, the ghost appears, and it’s Captain Jack Sparrow!

(Apart from a little experimental swaying in his first scene, Schroff does not attempt any sort of Johnny Depp impression here; the ghost is played as Jackie Schroff with supernatural powers, basically. Also, a cowboy hat is added to the ghost’s costume in subsequent scenes, making him look much less like a Disney trademark.)

Now that the title character has finally shown his face, we can get on with the wacky supernatural hijinks and valuable life lessons, right? Wrong. Exposition first. We’re treated to a badly computer animated flashback in which we learn the ghost’s backstory and the rules of his supernatural existence (though since the movie doesn’t bother following said rules, I’m not going to bother listing them,) Shyam names the ghost Bhoot Unkle (which is the only name he’s going to get,) and then Bhoot Unkle can start making Shyam’s life better.

(Step one in making Shyam’s life better: Bhoot Unkle uses his ghostly powers to make Shyam’s uncle beat up his wife. To be fair (and I am very deliberately damning with faint praise here) this is far from the worst example of Bollywood spousal abuse I’ve seen; it amounts to little more than a spanking with the flat end of a cricket bat, and Shyam’s aunt is such a vile human being that it’s hard to feel any sympathy for her. I am, however, bothered by the implication that this is what Shyam’s uncle should have been doing all along, and that teaching his wife her proper place will bring happiness to all.)

The acting in Bhoot Unkle is solid; Schroff displays his usual rough charm, and the child actors are . . . child actors. None of the kids are as brilliant as Schweta Prasad in Makdee or Akshat Chopra in Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic, but that’s okay.

The real problem with Bhoot Unkle is the writing, and specifically the pacing. Comic scenes drag on long after the punchline has passed, with the same joke being explained over and over again. More seriously, the long wait for the ghost to make his appearance throws the whole movie off balance; the wacky supernatural hijinks (the good parts!) are limited to the wife beating scene, the climax, and a single musical montage. Instead we spend the first hour being reminded over and over and over again that yes, Shyam is pretty miserable. Also, because of the limited screen time, the relationship between Shyam and the ghost never really has a chance to gel; Bhoot Unkle seems less like a best friend and surrogate parent and more like a magical candy dispenser. Despite the fantastic premise, in the end Bhoot Unkle doesn’t have much of a story.