Friday, September 27, 2019

Shazam!

If, on a rainy August morning, you decide to spend the day walking the streets of Mumbai at random, there’s a good chance you’ll find it. An old warehouse, seemingly abandoned, but you can just squeeze through the hole in the fence. Go into the warehouse, and you’ll find the Machine. As you watch, an army of pandits feeds the Machine with excerpts from Shakespeare, the Ramayana and Mahabharata, turn of the century Bengali literature, the collected novels of Jane Austen, the poetry of Mirza Ghalib, the collected output of Hollywood, some of those creepy Rajasthani puppets, a handful of Shaw Brothers films, and a few carefully selected scenes from Sholay. The film directors of Bollywood sit around it with pencils ready, waiting for the Machine to speak. And every few hours it does speak, narrating complete film plots as the assembled directors write down every word. Every now and then, one of the directors tries to ask the machine a question, to get it to clarify a sticky plot point. “How could a one year old read a letter? Why was he involved with Seema at all, if he could have courted Priya and not had to kill anyone? It makes no sense!” But like all oracles, the Machine never bothers to explain.

I have no proof that the Random Film Generator actually exists, of course. But I’m convinced that it does, because I can’t think of another way to explain the existence of Chandra Mukhi (1993).

Young Raja (Master Xerxes) is a little better off than the average Bollywood orphan. He doesn’t live on the street, for one thing. Instead, he’s cared for by his loving (and fabulously wealthy) grandfather (Pran). During Grandpa’s frequent business trips, Raja is cared for by his stepmother Kamini (Asha Sachdev) and her brother Madan (Gulshan Grover). Kamini and Madan are, of course, evil and secretly plotting to bump off Raja and Grandpa and take over the family fortune, but Grandpa remains blissfully ignorant. Raja spends his time reading comic books and hanging out with his four friends, who are so interchangeable that I won’t bother to list them.

Meanwhile, on the planet Krypton . . . Okay, it’s not actually called Krypton. It doesn’t seem to have a name at all. It’s just a nameless planet full of white-robed people who stand around all day looking philosophical and so Krypton is as good a name as any. Rani Maa, the ruler of Krypton (Dr. Maya Alagh) is looking for her daughter (Sridevi). The daughter has been gazing longingly at the Earth again, but Rani Maa uses the all-powerful Golden Feather to summon her back, and then makes a big announcement: she’s stepping down as planetary ruler, and appointing her daughter as successor, hoping that the added responsibility will keep her from sneaking off to look at the Earth all the darned time. Rani Maa also warns her daughter that if she actually goes to Earth, and takes the Golden Feather with her, and fails to return within a month, Krypton will be destroyed.

After being given such an enormous responsibility, it’s only natural that the next time we see the daughter, she’s starring longingly at the Earth, golden feather in hand. Suddenly, she’s attacked by Zola (Puneet Issar), an honest-to-Zod supervillain, complete with cape. There’s a brief struggle, and then girl and feather both hurtle through the vast stock footage of space and fall to Earth.

Since this is the early 90’s, upon landing on Earth she’s threatened with a fate worse than death by a band of rowdy poachers. Then she encounters some stock footage of African wildlife (and I don’t know why, since there is nothing in the rest of the movie to suggest that the characters are in Africa, and plenty of evidence that they are in India) and then she stumbles across a frightened Raja. She calms him with her hypno-vision and they share a moment, but soon Raja is startled and runs off. She follows him home, and then . . . well, hijinks ensue. Madan treats Raja terribly, until the princess zaps him with her hypno-vision and he leaves. Raja’s friends arrive, and after a little linguistic silliness, the princess names herself “Chandra Mukhi”, and I get to refer to her by name rather than using such tortuous grammar. Hurrah!

Chandra Mukhi can’t fly and has no super strength, but she does display a variety of powers that would make the Silver Age Superman turn green with envy. It’s not just the hypno-vision; she also has “clean up the room” vision, and can eat apples - With Her Mind! Most importantly, after Madan and his criminal friends return home and beat Raja, she uses her “turn into Salman Khan” vision on him as he sleeps. When Raja wakes up, he’s an adult, and is promptly mistaken for his own kidnapper. He beats up Manan’s goons and escapes, bringing Chandra Mukhi and the kids along, despite the fact that the kids all presumably have parents waiting for them at home.

Before leaving home, Chandra Mukhi was given very strict instructions to be home with the Golden Feather by the end of the month, or else her entire planet (and mother) are doomed. While on Earth, she completely ignores these instructions, despite the fact that Rani Maa turns up occasionally to say, “Planet! Explosion! Bad!” Instead, the gang set out to find Raja’s grandfather, and encounter adventure along the way. Raja and Chandra Mukhi are captured by bandits led by the lecherous Santhala (Tinnu Anand with long black hair and a big bushy beard), who threatens Chandra Mukhi with a fate worse than death (again!) until she uses her “instill respect for women” vision on him. The kids are captured by a giant cannibal, and Raja has to try out a variety of fighting styles in order to rescue them. Eventually, Zola returns to drag the film back to the plot, and we learn that Kryptonian super powers are nothing when compared to the power of Shiva. The end.

Mr. India was a surprisingly well-crafted take on the superhero genre, with a clearly defined superpower that follows the rules the film lays out for it. Chandra Mukhi, on the other hand, is more like an actual comic book, with Chandra Mukhi displaying new powers whenever convenient, and Raja always being precisely as strong as the script requires. Do not think about the plot of Chandra Mukhi, or you will hurt your brain. The whole thing runs on coincidence, and there are more plot holes than plot.

Still, if you can get past the fact that the movie makes no sense, you might have fun with it. The special effects are pleasantly bad. The dance numbers are pretty good, and feature Sridevi and choreography by a young Farah Khan. Best of all, the cast all realize what sort of movie they’re in, and cheerfully embrace the cheese. Salman Khan in particular is well-cast; it seems he was born to play the part of an overgrown adolescent. And this is early Salman, back when he still had body hair and before he had developed some of his more annoying habits.

Add another to the list of “films that are more fun than they have any right to be”. Well done, Random Movie Generator. Well done.

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